Who would've thought?

I apologized..I worked on music...I took a break..I spent time with ol' boy..went back to the studio..and went to the 9-5.

He was happy for the effort.

Lesson learned.

I messed up..and I'm sorry.

"It ain't like, I ain't tell you from day one, I ain't shit
When it comes to relationships, I don't have the patience"
Jay-Z Soon You'll Understand

Dear You....
I know you've been reading this blog so it's only fitting I address you here. As you know first hand I've been going through this selfish phase and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I can't. But right now between music, school, and work, I've had little time for anything else and for that I am sorry.......to a certain extent.

I'm consistently inconsistent with the same situations. You want me to call you, come by, spend time with you,things I can't commit too right now. I do what I can but I can't spend every waking moment with you. I'm sorry, not for me being me. But I am sorry that you have to be entangled in the situation. But then again I've told you time and time again, no one is making you stay. Does that make me wrong? I think to a certain degree is does-and FOR THAT I apologize. (Sidenote. I don't want you to go...despite our undefined relationship-which I know is my fault...) Nonethless...

I do care about you, but for some reason at this point in my life, I can't settle down. My time doesn't allow. My grandmother always says you can replace a lot of things in life but you can never replace time. After arguing with you...I realize the importance of those words. I spent my last few moments with you arguing. Moments that can't be replaced. So now on the the walls of time I've sketched words I can never take back, time I can never replace, and feelings I can never repair. So with that said..I'm sorry...not for me being me. But for entangling you in this situation that I call life.

The Journey Starts Now...

I wrote this whole long blog yesterday--and just like that it disappeared. So here I am blogging again. This time I've decided to type it in Word Pad before posting...

"There's no mountain i can't climb
There's no tower too high,
No plane that i can't learn how to fly
What do i gotta do to get through to you, to show you"-Eminem

This has been an amazingly long week. The quarter is over, so I've been out of school all week and I am out this week. You'd think that would make the week go by smoother. "Na, Shawty it ain't work like that." The week hasn't been the worst-it just hasn't been the best. I was working with a manager-who "had a vision," when he saw me perform at the Apache' cafe. I fired him. I think our visions were clearly different. He wants "Lil Kim," I'm more..."me," basically. Some good did come out of it all, I was met a guy who is A & R for Sony Records, he actually approached me. He said he heard of me prior to me moving to Atlanta. He's asked me to work on a mixtape to "build a buzz," in Atlanta. No problem right? Actually that is the problem. I can't seem to write what I really want to write.

"I spit this literature,
where hip hop meets scripture, so you react to this,
beget this on a mattress, and the fact is,
tact is a state of mind, and I decided this is now my time..."

Those are the last words I wrote---while sitting in rush hour traffic for and hour and a half in Atlanta.

You know, "Truthfully I want to rhyme like Com Sense.." or Jean Grae I want to say something....about something. But it's hard to get that across at times. This is a side note, but one of the best albums I've ever hear is called, "Laffy Taffy Rots Your Teeth" It is by far the best mixtape I've ever heard. And believe it or not they have something to say...something more than the obvious. I just want to get to that point. I can't say it will ever happen but I can't sit back and not try right?

I went to JPat Management (Usher's Mother's Management Company) last week, but they wouldn't see me. So I called from the parking lot-they wouldn't talk to me either. I was cool, most management and record labels operate that way. I've only come in contact with one label that has actually talked to me. It was Grand Hustle (T.I's label)and because of that..I look at that label differently. I guess life is like that...everything feels the same until something touches you differently...

So my mixtape journey begins..

Home sweet home...

So....I'm back in ATL!! Feelin' good feelin' great. My weekend ended on
a fuck off note. I wanted to leave roughly around 3 so I'm home by 5.
My mother had other plans...so she drug me around and I didn't actually
end up leaving until 5 which put me home at 7. Which is fine. I wasn't
pissed that I arrived at 7 and had plans to go to dinner at 7:30. I was
pissed that it was my time and she jeopardized it. Damn it!

Once I got back to the A, same o' same o'. My T.R was home doing
nothing releshing in her aftersex glow as she calls it. (Ed Sidenote. T.R=
Trifling Roommate). This chic is a character. More on her another time.
I'm sure she'll bug me and I will write about her. But for now more is
less in regards to her.

Finals week is in full swing thank God, once this week is
over.....vacation time. My first two finals were cool, not to tough.
We'll see how the week goes though. I'm fine either way.

My ex called. Damn that weekend visit! No arguing or sarcasm though
just a decent conversation. Which was a nice change. I guess change is
possible when you bring your A game. :-) You know what we never really
argued though we're just too much a like. At least we're cordial for
now. But not cordial enough for me to call his ass....thus moving
along...

I had a conversation with the TR, (told you she'd come up) anyway I've
determined she's not the brightest crayon in the box. She's single and
sleeps with a guy who I'm going to affectionally call Anton (Ed.
Sidenote: Anton is the Bum Damon Wayans played on the sitcom In Living
Color.) Anyway the talk consisted of major complaints about Anton. Why?
Because he's a bum! Literally. This chic openly admits she's
embarrassed to be seen with or tell people that she's sleeping with this dude due
to his bum-like appearance, smell, and behavior. But..he's here 5 out of 7
nights. *Scratches Head* He smells....and you let him lay the pipe.
*Scratches Head* Am I the only one who is confused as hell? I can
understand being alone and thus having a "Buddy," as Musiq has so
affectionately coined it. However, he's Anton for Goodness Sake!!!
*ugh* So after she poured her heart out she asked for my input. What
was I to say? Girl-get-a -damn-clue-this-dude-is-a-damn- bum. Not only
is he a bum but he told her he could careless about cleaning himself up
and futhermore he had the nerve to tell her to clean her room!!! What
the hell? You live in a damn dump with a fridge in it. But I really
didn't feel it was my place to bang her head against the wall of
obvious facts so I just said....it is what it is. Good luck to you. But in my
head I was thinking *Dumb Bytch use your head for more than a hat
rack!*

Welcome to my world....

Poppin' the First Cherry...I guess

For a long time I've read blogs. http://no-damn-life.blogspot.com/ <--being one of my favorites. Anyway, I've decided to toss my hat in the blog ring. Who knows what the hell will happen? If anything at least I can let out some of my ramble.

Right now, I'm in beautiful Columbus, GA (that's sarcasm like a mutha...if you didnt catch it). I live in Atlanta but I'm home visiting my family. Why? Thats the question I have been asking myself since I got here.....It's only 1:30 Sunday and I've been ready to go since I got here Friday. (Mind you I drove in as late as possible to cut down on the time I was here in the first place. Triffling huh?--So!)

We're in finals week at school, what the hell made me go back to school? Oh wait I know what it was....the fact that I was tired of sitting in a cube, watching the days turn from morning to evening, while I missed out on life. So what did I do? In a matter of months-literally I decided screw Columbus-I'm going to find a school that will let me live out my passion-that being music quit my cushy job, and go to school.

So it's been a struggle but a good one. The minute I touched down in Atlanta I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I left everything I've known since high school and moved on. Since I worked for a "Fortune 500" company and "THE" company to work for a lot of people were looking at me like I was a complete damn fool. Oh well, screw their asses. (Sidenote: I am a bytch. So....if you plan to read my blog..get used to it.)

Anyway, I realized working at that job..Money can't buy happiness. Who the fuck knew? Kidding. Okay so I found out the hard way. Eh, it's been worth it. I've been out of high school almost 10 years I gotta do something with my life that makes me happy. So now I'm going to school working on my Audio Engineering/Production Degree and looking towards better things. So why the hell I keep going back to the past? My family is there....and my (*cough *cough) ex is there *ugh.* Funny thing about him...people are always your "ex" for a reason right? If they weren't then they wouldn't be ex'es right? (I know it was confusin' but you got what the hell I meant) anyway, physically we never had a problem....NEVER even when were arguing. Physically we never had a problem. So guess what happened this weekend....damn it. Ok, so I initiated it so what! Sue me. It happens. And I enjoyed every minute. Damn it.

This is me...now...and then.