Tuesday, December 4, 2007

"When you get a chance, put a good word into the Lord for me I been got caught up, got sent to the pen I let ya down, I'm in a place I know you never thought you see me in But all these things is happening for a reason I guess God saved my life and put me up to see another season.."
Pimp C I miss you lyrics...

Saturday, December 1, 2007

SEC Championship.....

So I am a UGA fan...friends are TN fans went to the game...anyway..they lost. I have a million pics but only these two matter. Can TN fans dress or what?

Drops Mic

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I have addictions..

I am addicted to a few things...my sidekick 3, my Optimus 8.0 Mega Pixel camera, shoes, and watches... ode to my new family members.
I won this on Ebay, Ms PacMan Watch!

I won this one online the next day, Pacman-vintage watch!

I saw these Lacoste in New Orleans. But I bought them for $20 cheaper on Zappos.com (shot with my sk3.)

I bought these Nike Air Max30 In New Orleans.

I had these J's when I was in the 9th grade, they came back...I bought them in California few days ago.

I think I have a problem.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I like you...

Waking up seeing our cars parked in the driveway.

Bourbon St. Blues Company in New Orleans
Cajun Grilled Shrimp and Talapia at Bubba Gumps.
Infamous New Orleans Hurricanes
Bubba Gumps in New Orleans
Subway White Chocolate and Macedamian Nut Cookies...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Water Crisis is all my fault..

I take 20-25 minute showers, brush my teeth wih the water running, okay the other day I randomly shot water at a passerby....I am the cause for Lake Lanier's all time low, and Georgia's drought............*so*

Kicks Rocks....Drops mic.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Back when I moved into my townhouse, a girl I'd known for some time from school was having some issues. Well since I had this big townhouse, I figured why not let her stay with me for a couple of weeks/months or whatever to get herself together she's cool, into music as well, so she wouldn't be a problem. Plus she can have the basement which means in a three story home we'd rarely see each other anyway.

She moves in all her stuff and we have a heart to heart..okay I know you guys are thinking the hater had a heart to heart—you're right I just sat there and stared into space thinking about random things that make me laugh. Like that cat that shows up when you Google kick rocks lol. Anywho..She moves in all this stuff including a box of brand new baby clothes. WTF? Maybe she is preggers? IDK

Fast forward to present day… she lost her job around late August early September and hasn't been able to contribute to the bills. Did I kick her out? Na, she'd been helping here and there and technically I really didn't KNOW she was unemployed at the time. Any who, she stops paying all together and basically ducking and dodging me.

*Insert Does she not realize I am loco face here*

So I just let her know plain and simple "shawty, you gotta pay or go"

She says I will get the money. But never does, and eventually her grateful attitude becomes---an attitude period, nothing more nothing less. Hmmm. So the other night around 3ish..I hear all this noise, hello I live on the third floor I am not getting out of my bed to see what is going on instead I turn on the camera..yeah shawty we high tech. I see her friends are moving her out. Eh whatever good riddens to bad rubbish. I go back to sleep wake up and realize everything is gone except her clothes and a few miscellaneous items here and there. Again whatever…except she comes home like everything is normal.

*Insert whatdaheckisgoingonaroundhere face*

Anyway, we talk I explain she has to leave she says she knows and will be about the first..NOV 1st. Needless to say her ALL her clothes etc are still here so what else could I do? I had to let them stay in my living room..

YEAH RIGHT! This me, Con Inc. # 1 hater---chick please. I changed the locks, reprogrammed the garage door openers, put all her clothes in the garage. Shawty you will get your clothes when I get my money. Ha! That even made me laugh!

So now fast forward to Monday 11/12/2007—knock on my door girl with a familiar face but I can't figure out why says—excuse me is TR2 here? Me-No she no longer resides here. Girl starts to cry..WTF? She says look TR2 is my mom WTF? I just want to pick up my daughters clothes? Me-Shawty come in for a minute. Can't have all this drama outside in my lily white neighborhood. These people like me! Now what did you say? Girl proceeds to tell me, she's 16 TR2 is her mother, and she is preggers and wanted to pick up the box of new baby clothes left by TR2.

*Insert dramatic music here*

Turns out the clothes in the closet were not for TR2 who I suspected was preggers but for her Grand daughter..so TR2 is a 29 year old with a 16 year old with a GRANDdaughter on the way who is pursuing a music/acting career/spending most of her time on myspace with no home…..This some Jerry Springer Ish.

PS did I mention TR2 is dating a married man who's wifey came to our house while ol boy was upstairs….er um…Laying pipe?? Or that TR2 is an "up and coming gospel singer" whoooooo weeeeeeeeee.

I am sure there is more to come….

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Technology made me spoiled

I think I am getting spoiled by email. My sidekick 3 died. The mailman delivered it today. It died Sunday. I wanted it back Sunday. Asurion said, we'll have a brand new sidekick to you by Tuesday at 3. I thought I'd die. I think technology has me spoiled..closes laptop


Drops mic.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Life...Pity Whatever..Get Over It..

You have 5 minutes to wallow in the delicious misery, enjoy it, embrace it, discard it, then proceed with life...

Happy Monday Suckas

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Still finding myself...

I’ve been tryin’ to lose myself all day
Was almost there but could lose you
I push away take the first two steps
Then stop and choke on my regrets
I wish I didn’t know me so well
Ignorance is bliss,
How did we come to this,
I get angry, I keep It in
Then find myself apologizing
My beautiful spin artist
I never knew a one sided war
would be as hard as this..
Snippet from "Finding Myself"-Cd coming soon

Monday, October 22, 2007

Random Monday Thoughts

It's Monday; I am still finding myself…who knew I was so lost??


But I am amped that SLISHY FOUND ME TOO! (HEY!!!)


Dunkin Donuts-no longer pleases me. HELLO KRISPY KREME!


The gym hates me yet…I still go.


Fridays-Sizzling Shrimp and Chicken is addictive.


I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian I only eat Chicken and Fish anyway…


UGA had a bomb threat….so if the bomb did actually go off would we be able to do anything as GA is under a water crisis right now?


Why the hell are we under a water crisis?


Why did it take me so long to fall in love with Urban Grind Coffee shop?


Why is it Monday? Ugh.


*Drops Mic*

Friday, October 12, 2007

Finding Myself…Losing him


Why he have to leave me

Not now

When the eyes of my mind are not able to see by themselves

What did I ever do to deserve this

I couldn't even get 10 words out

Before he dipped

And now I'm sitting here looking at the time

Wondering who, what, when, where, how and why

I always treated him good


At least I thought I did

We were each others first love from back in grade school

When we were kids

You see

I never once lied to him


There was that one time

But man you gotta understand

That dude was fine

From his head to his feet

And everything in between

Maybe if he had seen what I seen

He would understand


I spit a little game

But things between us remained the same

I went home to him that night

And he lined my sight mind and body with gold

And I was able to let my soul

Pour out

And he forgave me

You see…that night

We made love like never before

Making sweet music together until my mind was sore

I mean

Me and him

We fit together better than any couple in life before

Mr. and Mrs. Huxtable

Whitney and Bobby

Snoop and weed

Whenever I had a jones or hunger for anything

he was there to fill my need

Mmmh….just thinking about em'

I can envision his swag sweeping through my thoughts

As he reads them

And I read his, who he nerv

Every article that touches every curve

As he slowly walks

he's the main reason I'm able to talk and express myself

And I just want him to come back

I promise I will never mistreat him again

But without him, I guess this is where it ends…

Wait a minute…

A light just came on in the room

The cloudiness is leaving

And in his arms

My mind is consumed

The torture is now over

Just in time cause I was getting real mad

This was the worst case of writer's block

I ever had


Snippet from a song on Finding Myself


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Finding Myself

One of the hardest things in life I have ever done is step back and evaluate me as a person. A couple of weeks ago, I started doing just that. In the evaluation I discovered. I've lied, cheated, gloated, and many other things that I shouldn't do. I am running this rat race called life and hoping for the best. I am not perfect.


So in my evaluation I sat down and started writing. What may be my 1st and only cd. Right now I don't know. I think concept albums such as the one I completed but haven't released called, "Two Weeks Notice," are unique and creative. But this CD for me is more profound, this body of work-though only in the writing stages makes me feel like I've finally found my voice. Like I had all of the right words there all along but now, I can finally speak them.


I guess time will tell, right now I am on a journey…


"Finding Myself" my official mixtape coming soon.

*drops mic*


Monday, October 8, 2007

Am I coming up?

"Finding Myself.."
Coming soon.


So...I got BET AWARDS SHOW Tix in the mail...am I coming up?


*Drops mic*

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Lesson Learned

So I'm sitting here in my crisp black shirt, creased black khakis, black socks, and black shoes....man I feel the urge to put my fist in the air and spew some intellectual phrase that turns heads or simply implies to the people, "I am somebody." Instead, I just sit and reflect on a few things... one I work for the whitest of whites..yacht owning, lakehouse having, what's Wal-mart individuals that you could meet. So why of all the people in my office is he the one to wear Black today? Should I ask...of course I should.

"Mr Duck Agent, I know why I have on all black today but why do you?"

"C.I...black is black and white is white. Just like wrong is wrong and right is right. I don't have to be black to know that.'

Today's Lesson....

Wrong is Wrong, right is right.... you don't have to be black to know that.

*Kicks Rocks, throws mic*

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I'm going to the first to say I am not the biggest Michael Baisden fan but I do agree with this..

On September 20, 2007 more than 1 million people will wear BLACK as we unite in one voice with one message to declare that UN-EQUAL JUSTICE is just not acceptable. The world will be watching when not just African Americans but people of all races take a stand for something that we all believe in. Mychal Bell and the Jena Six should be free. If you have not heard about their case and why these average teenagers, good students, great athletes and are now fighting for their lives (one student Mychal Bell has been in jail since Dec. 2006) please CLICK HERE NOW to view this video for the shock of your life and on any of the links below for more information. This is clearly a case of racism, but Michael Baisden reminds us the protest in Jena, LA, the US and around the world is not an attack on white people but against a system that has failed us all. It is not about black and white but about what is wrong and what is right!
Enough is Enough...Un-Equal Justice is just not acceptable! ..Wear Black on September 20th to show your support!
7:00am Protesters assemble at Ward 10 Recreation Park---
7:30am March to the steps of the LaSalle Parish Courthouse---
8:00am Prayers / Speakers front of the Courthouse---
9:00am Sentencing for Mychal Bell---
11:00am March to Park / Rally in Support of Mychal Bell & the Jena 6---
2:00pm Adjournment ---
4:00pm Town Hall Meeting on "Quality Education without Fear or Intimidation" C-Span*
Schedule is tentative and subject to change based on sentencing time
1 Wear BLACK on September 20th to protest Un-Equal Justice wherever you are
2 Register to Vote to make your voice heard beyond today
3 Sign the Petitions above
4 Email government officials
5 Call government officials
6 Tell your friends and co-workers to do the same

Thursday, September 13, 2007

How come pic edition!

How come when I Google Kick Rocks and this pic appears? HA HA HA
How come Gizmo G. Sandford got the fresh cut and because she plays in mud all her hair is gone!?How come they let someone sit in the board room and say, "Poppycock..." yeah that's the name to go with????
How come only 49 flavors?

How come thats all I have to say......*done* drops mic.
Stay tuned..I got some off days...and some real posts coming..
I'm back suckas.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

When is enough, enough.....?

*Disclaimer-This is completely my opinion, my voice, my blog, my soap box. I do not give a damn if you agree or disagree on this one. Please feel free to kick rocks. Thank you and God Bless


He was my friend, I met him my first quarter of college. He was a good guy. Quiet but extremely talented. I mean extremely talented. One of the types that you want to know, you're attracted to them because of their disposition, their determination, their will to be something more than what they are. Not because you want to sleep with them per say.

I was attracted to his mind; we just connected like we met before. He was a graphic design major. He made this incredible cartoon and asked me to make the score to it... I did and that's really how we met. I actually thought about posting the score here but decided not to. Maybe I will post the song one day. It's not a rap or anything but some of the best production work I'd ever done. Maybe God knew.

Anyway, he committed suicide 08/20/2007-because of various issues, the biggest issue being financial aid. He and I are in the same boat. Trying to figure out how you are going to make it. Doing all the right things but finding life just doesn't want to play fair. So tell me when is enough enough? I called my Bishop and talked to him, because I had to ask… (And before you religious heads preach me a sermon in comments…I don't want to hear it. I value comments but I do not need you preaching to me or obscuring blasphemous facts at me.) Anyway I asked-if God puts no more on you than you can bear-and he knows that this weight he is handing you will result in you ultimately committing suicide which will result in you going to hell then please explain to me the logic—I am not questioning you God. I am just trying to understand. And another question, how do we go to a funeral in which the preacher will say something cliché such he is in a better place, or God took him home…when technically he's in hell. *I'm confused*

Based on my own research I came up with these (my opinion is represented in bold italics):

(1 Corinthians 3:16-17 NIV) [16] Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? [17] If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple. (So doesn't this mean if you kill yourself then God will destroy you i.e send you to hell? Surely it doesn't mean destroy my temple and I will meet you in Heaven for a reward.)

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV) [19] Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; [20] you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (Okay this one doesn't really say kill yourself and I am coming for you homie… but again temple of the Holy Spirit…)

(Romans 14:79 NIV) [7] For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. [8] If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. [9] For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. (Confusion..so if we live, we live to the Lord and if we die, we die to the Lord-suicide included?)

But then I went to another blog…a Christian Blog that I will not name and I saw this posted by a minister:

"There are many scriptures that condemn murder. But I have yet to find one that explicitly (or implicitly) states that "suicide is murder".
While suicide is tragic, I have never yet found any scripture that explicitly condemns it."

I guess I am just wondered because-as my mother said. I have always been "stuck in my ways," right or wrong. So my friend, I will miss but I cannot sit in his funeral filled with Blasphemous thoughts. My Bishop once delivered the Eulogy for a guy who killed a guy and he never once said this murderer is going to hell rather he spoke to the youth in the building and said let this be an example to you. I guess right now all this just doesn't sit well with me and I am not sure how to respond.

*Drops Mic*

Thursday, August 16, 2007

10 Blantantly Honest Facts about..."I"

*I chose the name consistently inconsistent and the reason I chose that name is because it describes me perfect. On Monday’s I could be up and Tuesday down..in fact Monday morning I could be up and Monday afternoon I could be down. I am indeed Consistently Inconsistent. I am my mother’s second child. But first born. She had two miscarriages prior to me. So what does that say? I was born to be a survivor.

*I love music..I hate music. I am hip hop…I am not hip hop. Though none of this may make sense to you it completely makes sense to me. I want to be the different but I am completely like all of you.

*I am my father’s child but not my father’s child…
I guess that’s an easy one. I have a stepfather and as much as we don’t get along. I am him in every aspect. I am in part fearless—I feel like as a soldier he was fearless. But at the same time I am so afraid. Of failure. I am deeply complex. Some people will never understand me.

*I have issues with being committed to someone for the rest of my life. I believe we should get married an somewhere in there, we should have an expiration date. After two years we should be able to sit down and say look…I don’t think your contract will be renewed for the up and coming year. This just aint working out. So hey—it’s been real. *Two fingers..* Yet, in Consistently inconsistent manner I want that 50 year marriage like my grandparents just celebrated. Sue me..Kick Rocks I told you I was inconsistent.

*I’m a “g,” I know how to play the stock market, I own stock, I have IRA’s because I hustle hard. I’m broke but I’m never broke..when I am 50 I will sit pretty because I am barely making it now. So many people use this phrase but that my friend is indeed..”Real Talk.”

*I love my friends. If I call you friend then you are more like family. My circle is small I may not talk to you today but I will talk to you forever. Just because that’s the way I am. I consider myself to be “in” when I say “in,” most people know it doesn’t mean “in” as in “in-style,” or “in the know,” it means “in” as in “introverted” I am very “in.” Doesn’t mean I love you any less…just means I am in. Get over it.

*I talk to God every day because I feel like Jay-Z, “I have demons deep inside that will raise when confronted..” so I pray and I say Lord..let’s not get them started today. Lol

*I can’t believe how hard it is to come up with “10 blatantly honest facts about…I” but this counts as number 8 so ha! *kick rocks, my blog my rules*

*I find it hard to blog if I don’t have something to say. Afterall this is my soap box I should say “something..” I think on May 3rd my post called, “An Open Letter from A Blessed Sinner..” is hands down the realest ish I have ever wrote in my life.

*I am afraid I will die young, so I try to achieve everything I can now because theres that part of me that isn’t fearless and that part fears I will die really young. My grandmother had dreams that I would die in the last car I had-she dreamt it would catch on fire. Guess what happened? It started randomly catching on fire something with a spark plug. I sold the car immediately. I wonder if I die young what my legacy would be so I have decided to start living that legacy. (Legacy N. Something handed down from an ancestor or a predecessor or from the past.)

My legacy is starting..so that my dynasty can soon begin.

Be Blessed my friends.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Currently I am listening to Nina Simone…damn I am indeed Young, Gifted, and Black..

So much has been going on. First one of my artist—Draztic (see below) we released his cd on my label yep—I started my own label. Actually I’ve always had it but now seems like a good of a time as any to promote it.
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His CD overall is good. Him and I have two completely different styles..I’m Commonish…he’s… young. Lol

I think with experience comes growth and retrospect for life so your views are different. Make sense? It should you are all incredibly smart. That’s why I read your blogs. Keeps me elevated.

I am still working on my own cd. I have put all others to the backburner. I guess that sucks. But—you know I can’t collab with every tom dick and hank while I am trying to complete my project.

My CD is called…Two Weeks Notice: I quit. It took me a little while to think of a concept. But then I realized sometimes music and I have this love/hate relationship. We have a forbidden affair that I just can’t seem to get rid of. I didn’t want to make a “mixtape,” screw it… so I decided I quit.. and that’s the concept of my mixtape. It basically starts with my notice…follows me thru quitting various things…my job, my relationships, etc. Good concept but let’s see how it goes..

I lent (is that a word?) a friend my sis’ poetry book. I haven’t seen it since. I am pissed.. But I guess she needed it more than I did. So…guess what? I am gonna buy another one. But I am gonna be slightly pissed when I look at her.


*drops mic*

Friday, August 3, 2007

Breath Of Fresh Air Vol. 1

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This is my artist....This is my label...this is his cd....this is my post.

That is all.

Friday, July 27, 2007

I used to be married to a man by the name of Music…

but it's over now…he's in an abusive relationship and there's nothing I can do about it.


Dear World,


I put my heart in a box and handed it to you


But nobody wants that responsibility....who would've thought lil ol' me could impact so many souls and I haven't even spoke one word.  Press a couple keys and write a couple lyrics now everybody knows you inside out.  Put on a couple fake smiles and do what they want and now everybody wishes they were you.  Are you sure you want that?  Last time I checked I was on the chopping block....Judge gave me 2-4 and after that yelled Life.  That mallet being slammed into that wooden panel was probably one of the most relieving moments of my life.  Looking over at the jury who held my life in their hands just to say one word, and take it away.....guilty.  No, I didn't break the law...but then again most people who receive a sentence were "innocent" right?  Last thing I remember happening was me being born a prodigy.  Kid too smart for this world so God had to find a way to tell me to slow down....this is it.  Ultimate sacrifice, your life for someone else's.   Yeah I'm fine for the time being, thanks for asking....but the judge wrote out the rest of my life....I don't think I'll get out on good behavior, but I can try to fight my way out.  You can't change fate but destiny is always open for new things.  So now I have to make a choice...and I will...live for today, fuck yesterday and tomorrow might just be that much better.

I put my heart in a box and handed it to the world....nah....I'll just place it in the ocean and let it take sail with the current...it's safer out there on its own anyways.....I'll catch up with it when tomorrow comes.  Let's see if this jury was correct with their verdict.

My mixtape is coming soon…




Thursday, July 26, 2007

How come? Huh? Okay at least I am updating..


How come I didnt know that Kroger still made "Squirt," soda..and who the heck buys it?

How come I dont know what the hell "DROP RED," soda is ..and again...who buys it?

AND FINALLY THE HUMANITY!!!!MY GOD!! Do you see what that says??? GROUND BISON. TENDER BISON!!! WHAT THE HELL??? WHO EATS BISON.. I had to stop and text message Jus Butterfli (JUSSY B!!!) like stat!!! to find out who in the hell eats that!

Kicks rocks and faints...

Stay tuned I got something to say...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Picture this... (A conversation based on pic from the Sidekick 3

This is how I started my Monday

It's not my car it's my friend's car. Not just any friend. One of those Iknewyousincethedaybeforeforever friends. One of those Icouldntimaginemylifewithoutyou friends. So..he calls at...eh....6:22AM are you in Columbus or Atlanta? Um...I'm at home in Atlanta laying on the floor (don't ask..) what do you want? My car just had the worst flat!! Really?? Where... NEWNAN on my way home from Columbus. What??? Yes I went to Columbus to get some from my ex...*Insert the whatthehellface? You couldn't find any in Atlanta?? Ugh, I was going to call out anyway. So I pull myself up from the best sleep ever throw on some clothes and head over. To assist him. I live on exit....20 something. (Sorry stalkers no exact numbers..) Almost by GA 400 he was in NEWNAN. Damn what a way to start a Monday. Oh one quick statement look at that tire...c'mon that didnt just happen. People lets service our cars and make sure our tires are in proper order.

This is one of the reasons I was laid out on the floor...A CRACK SHAKE. What had happened was lol. I walk into the Crack dealer..hmmm what do I want? Let me see.... Cashier guy says--hey we're about to close would you like a Crack shake... (music plays, heaven opens up, Jesus kisses me, the devil kicks rocks, birds chirp, bees are buzzing and a fiend..is happy...) End scene.

Because I had to give the school all of this ^^^^^^ my car gas tank looked like this:

Hello Marta--yeah pick me up stat!

This is my dog Gizmo G. Sanford who pissed me off this weekend..why you ask?? Because she jumped into this bucket which actually had mud in it because my 8 year old brother was making mud pies....She is a Shitzu..but in this picture she just looks like Sh*t... little b*tch!

This is 2/3's of what had me laid out on the floor. Sushi. My God I loved Sushi... This was made fresh by the good people at Chin Chin #7 which I just recently found out existed.

And finally

The last reason I was laid out...this isnt from my phone but this is the same Lazer tag my little brother has!!!!! Why because my mom doesnt throw away toys so guess what?? We had it when were little back in 85 86..now my brother is playing with it and I damn near died playing with him.

*Drops Mic*

PS..I will try to update more consistently and address some real ish this week.....


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Randomness/How comes?

*How come I am typing this in Microsoft Word which basically means I have found a way to shuck the man?

*Hey who says Shuck aside from me?

*How come someone owes me money because not only did my family forget my birthday but they had a BBQ and forgot to invite me?! (With you living in Atlanta we tend to forget you.) Who the hell says that? My sister lives in AZ and calls and tells me what's going on!

*How come I see $40,000 checks, $5,000 checks, and $25,000 checks come thru this office but my check has no commas?

*How come I wish I was a little taller?

*How come this random chick is hating on me for no reason? How come I know why…her husband cheats, her mom dislikes her, her 8 year old still pees in the bed and I am still cooler than a polar bears toenails! KICK ROCKS mother of the pee pee boy!

*How come my mixtape concept is hotter than hot in my own opinion so I find myself listening to my intro and saying ha ha ha suckas!

*How come the A&R said..any label will love and hate this concept.

*How come I said I don't give a flying…..fig. J

*How come I am playing T.I. My Swag over and over and thinking this Chorus is about me.

* They wanna know what's so special about her// Why they not like her// It's my swaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag*//How she looks so cool// when everyone tries to do what she do// It's my swaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. LOL!

*How come I want that instrumental so bad just so I can do something messy for my mixtape?

(Cause I'm still a rapper—and as my sis Jussy B would say Don't act Brand new you already knew..)

*How come everything that can go wrong is but I feel like I'm living the good life?

*How come I have yet to get one muthafreakin' bowl of Mac N Cheese and I feel like murdering someone before I slave in the kitchen and make my own?

*How come I officially decided to be single and now everyone is calling?

*How come I have something really important to address in the next couple of blogs and if people don't read now…they are really going to stop after this.


Tru story..I'm out.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


Keeping with my Consistently Inconsistent self...I present...


JUNE 29th

I am not only a member I am the freaking president...!

We Interrupt this Program

To Bring you a public service announcement from C.I and the good people at Iamstillahater.com

Please buy my sister's book. (And because I am honest let me put it out there..I have not bought my sisters book because I hate the mail and I called her to say---why in the hell do you not have copies for purchase??) But now that she has informed me I will gladly be purchasing it ONLINE tomorrow-Broke people operate on paydays.

With that said..Please don't be a slacker like me log on and buy this book now!

"soul wide shut" is a compilation of poetics that will take the reader on an expedition through the myriad stages of romantic love; from attraction to interaction, from fighting the feeling to free-falling, from first kisses to being completely intimate, from the joy of exclusivity to the pain of losing everything, and all the emotion-filled beautiful things that can happen in-between. [note: some poems contain profanity.]


If you are anywhere near Loganville HOLLER AT ME...SONY IS THROWING ME A BIRTHDAY BASH
Hosted by a few folks you might know!!!

It's a celebration Bitches!!!!

Monday, June 25, 2007



My birthday is in 4 days. What could be better than your birthday, it’s Friday and it’s payday? How bout if my family remembers. 10 to 1 my little brother is the only one who remembers because he thinks we should have cake no matter what the occasion.

I watched the Notebook this weekend-that’s actually a good freakin’ movie. How come none of you suckas told me?

I just re-read my first statement I still think it’s true but I realize I don’t know what the heck 10 to 1 means but I’ve seen it on tv.

If I wake up to an email that says, I hope your day goes well because I love you. It lifts my spirits like never before. So when the duck’s lackeys walk in I am on a high and they are irrelevant.

I found one flaw in my house…here’s a story tell me if you find the flaw.
I went to Chic-fil-a, I got a crack shake and some chicken nuggets. I walk in the house go up the first set up stairs when you immediately walk in, take the sharp immediate left and walk up the next set up stairs, hang a right and walk up the next little set, swing the corner and hit the last steps…turn left and go to the last door and go in my room—sit down to enjoy nuggets and the crack shake look down and realize the crack shake is in the car....so much for the crack shake.

If Heroes doesn’t hurry up and come back on I just might lose my freakin’ mind.

Why did the TR text me and say she misses me…her new roommate sucks. Why did I respond…Who is this? OMG I KILL ME.

Why is my favorite commercial the one about text messaging where the mother says who have you been text messaging 50 times a day? And she says.. idk my bff Jill?

Why do I know the whole commercial word for word? And why have I gotten all my friends to fall in love and die laughing at it? Iono..ask my bff’s sucka.

I bet you didn’t know this..
kick rocks
verb; what one would do after someone were to tell them to "F@#k Off" and their only recourse would be a non-violent display of frustration.
If you do not like my answer then kick rocks.You want me to do what.....kick rocks!If you do not like this phrase, then kick rocks!

Yep it’s in the urban dictionary Kick Rock To that suckas!


Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Today I just do not feel like me. So fyi-I am alive, I am Blessed, I am here.
I took this quote from Durl's page...because for some reason I feel like this quote today was directed at me. I've heard it a million times but today..I listened.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

By Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

Friday, June 15, 2007

So um..it's Friday right?

This post is brought you by the letters: & as in "WHORE" say it with me children "W-H-O-R-E" Thank you Elmo & Zoe for your assistance. I guess it could be as in Watermelon and Hippo too Gosh.

Okay, so I think I am still vaguely suffering from a small form of writers block. I dunno. Maybe I am just blocking all my thoughts so I don’t have to write…um what? I’m confused. Anyway, I do have a story today, a recant of events. Or whatever you want to call it. Last week I completed the proper paperwork to move from school sponsored housing as well as take the next Semester off due to financial aid issues. (KIC…I wanted to say it so bad but I won’t..aw heck KICK ROCKS FINANCIAL AID!). Okay I am better.

Anyway this week I had no classes because I finished all finals last week so I had a week to really relax and pack and be out by Saturday. Since the information I received from the school indicated the 16th which is when children? Saturday. Very good! Please keep that in mind as there will be a pop quiz later in the story.
So-anyway things were going good this week. The T.R was being the T.R but hey—it happens right? So she text me on Tuesday, “hey are you still in Cols?” *Insert what an idiot you saw me making breakfast yesterday here at the apartment look here.* I respond-“who is this?” LMAO I will always send who is this if you never text me. She responds It’s “T.R” let’s protect the dumb ok? So I say, “no I’m in my room I will not be visiting Columbus for some time. What’s up?” T.R. “I need a huge favor, I know that you have access to 420 (the studio upstairs that only students with Semester or less of school have access to but I finagled yes children finagled my way into having an all access pass because I am an engineering assistant. So I say, “yeah.” She replies, “Well I have a project due on Friday I really need your help I have to do voiceovers for this Keep Atlanta Beautiful thing with the Mayor.” So long story short I say cool but I have the equipment at home we can do it there.

So moving Wednesday I am in my room packing my bathroom up and she is in the kitchen with this new girl who we will affectionately call Gay Dude Chick or GDC so I’m packing and she walks in and says oh you’re packing. I said yeah I want to be out by Friday because I will be leaving for an early birthday trip to New Orleans. She says, “No, Bitch you need to be out by Tomorrow because that’s what my paper says.” (Remember she’s an RA so she gets a list. Oh yeah side note---she uses the term “Bitch” in an affectionate manner which I hate because..I do.not.like.her.)
POP QUIZ TIME! What did the note say that I received from HER BOSS? Anyone..yes you there in the back--- speak up? Yes, the 16th you are correct!!! So I say, “no problem.” Thus ending our conversation and she walks out with GDC goes in her room and turns on the “I’m bout to hit something tonight cd” I was like hmmmm. Dare I assume? No need moaning starts. She has sank to an entirely new level. But hey at least we know she has crossover appeal. LMAO.

So Thursday I go to Sony for my internship hit work for a little while with the Ducks agent (gotta love the flexibility) then I head home to pack beating all rush hour(s) traffic. Take that suckas! As I am taking a box to my car in comes my T.R and GDC who heads right for my T.R’s room…*whatever* so the T.R. comes in with her paper can I do the voiceover now. Now at this moment Good Me is on my left side saying—help her this is her grade. But Consistently Inconsistent me is on the right side and wins the battle saying—“ Na shawty I can’t somebody told me I had to be out by today. Good luck with that tho.” A couple of my guy friends throw my tv and clothes in the back of their car I throw 2 fingers 2 the wind drop the gate key, house key, and mail box key down sign my release form and high step out like a champ…


Tuesday, June 12, 2007

This post is about you... YEP YOU...

Lately I have been suffering from a serious case of writers block. I can’t write anything. In fact I can’t even jot down thoughts for this blog. So I decided to go with some randomness today..

My entire post is about.. Blogs I Check Out (you know that link on the right side of my page)

Concrete Loop—I am so addicted to this site, although I do hope that one day if I am fortunate enough to make it on this site I don’t find myself in the H.A.M (Hot A&*Mess) category.

D-Nice—this guy is one of my favorite artist of all times. I think he defines the “Renaissance Man,” he raps, dj’s, and through his blog I discovered he is an amazing photographer. I see a lot thru his eyes and from his work.

DeepNThought-Another site that I find myself addicted to and lingering around just to see what she might say next. Secretly I read her blog far before I actually had a blog. My favorite posts are those in which she calls, “Journal Entries-Just putting it out there” Because she does in fact--put it out there and I admire that.

Durl-I found his blog through, “That Girl Tam” and when I read it I thought, was an amazingly in love individual. I also find it interesting to read the male perspective at times. It’s not always the woman who hurts.

Hip & Pop-it’s just an addiction no deep story there .

Honey Libra-She came to my page and read my thoughts and I thought—wow someone read my page. I should go and do the same. And then I was mesmerized by the giant eye on her page lol. It’s like it was looking at me but not looking at me. Thinking what I was thinking but not thinking what I was thinking. Saying what I was saying but not saying anything. LOL From that-I decided I love her thoughts.

Infinite Ink-Another blog I read long before I had a blog, I find her to be the, “Renaissance Women,” and her photography is amazing. Plus she loves Heroes just as I love Heroes and without Heroes there would be no world worth living in... *sigh*

Just Butterfli-Okay, here’s something funny about her. I stumbled onto her page and I have nooo idea how. Then I read her page and her mythological talk (lol) about the plantation and I realized wait a damn minute..we work for the same DUCK! WTF? Then I commented on her page and I realized wait a damn minute..I know HER. Then I text her-and she told me her name and I discovered wait another damn minute!!!!!! Before I moved to ATL and transferred to the Duck’s lackeys I sat two rows from her. For years I sat right by her and never knew how amazing she was. DAMN IT. I guess it just wasn’t our time. But now it is and she is stuck with me Kick rocks and suck it up!

Just me Writing-She visited my page, and I returned the favor. And as I read her page I thought hey she’s cute and quirky. I like reading her page. It’s like my morning pick me up. So I read it and laugh or read it and learn..and there’s nothing you guys can do about it. So there.

Mr. Slish-Secretly I find him amazing. Publically I must hate at all cost because he told me to live in an alley when I was looking for a place to stay and he told me that my name for that dude sucked! So I continue to hate and again there is nothing you can do about it. So there! FYI in the midst of the hate I find him to be very intelligent, a wonderful story teller, and his profile pic aint to shabby at all. But..I am still hatin!

Paula D-She should have a column. I swear she cracks me the hell up. I don’t know what it is but she really makes me laugh. I think it may be her blatant honesty—she defines “Keepin’ it real son”

Tantrum—um she posted on my page, it was thoughtful and endearing and then…she disappeared.

TC-First off I love her profile pic. It makes me happy. I don’t know why but how can you look at that pic and not feel a little jazzy? I dunno but that’s what it makes me feel…jazzy suckas! Anyway I think she also commented on my blog and I went to check hers out-and I realize I like her sensitivity and encouragement. She always lifts me up..and in one post she knocked me into reality. That’s that real ish right there. (Yes, I am from the south we will say sentences like That's that..) Anyway, when someone can build you up and remind you when you are off in la la land to.

That Girl Tam-The first blog I ever read, and I am completely addicted. She’s witty and down to earth and I like reading what she’s going to say next. That’s all it aint nothing more to it.

The OE-my new addiction. I love this blog. Keep it real son. (That’s completely a joke in retrospect to the type of blog he has.)

Todd Kelley-the definitive moment when you realize there is someone who loves something just as much if not more than you do…and you are able to look that someone in the eye and applaud the beauty of which it exists. (Some people will never understand the affair that music and I have.)

WyzWmn’s World-Lmao it took me saying that outloud to realize what it was. And I still laugh about that. I like this blog because I receive both entertainment and knowledge. The Bible says if any man is hungry let him eat if any man is thirsty let him drink--I drink from the cup of knowledge that she pours. (Yeah, I'm deep sometimes huh...)

Honorable mention to: Daz for always leaving me a comment even though he doesn't have a blog.

Well folks that’s all…I am done there’s nothing more to say…

**THANK YOU!** Drops mic/kicks a few rocks.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Weekend Is Over..

Finals are over and I am feeling pretty good about that. Not much to say spent the weekend relaxing. My grandfather was admitted in the hospital he has severe pneumonia. I went to see him briefly. Other than that I’ve been chillin.

I should have been packing this weekend since I move next week but I didn’t instead I pretty much just enjoyed being off. I was going to work on music, I didn’t bother doing that either. Honestly I think I just needed a break.

I plan to just pack slowly this week. I hate packing. But I am glad to be moving. Thank God for the new spot. A lot of people asked—will you be there alone? Yes and no. I got the spot for a great deal under one condition-when my sister or cousin are in town (both are officers in the army) they get to stay with me. Since I agreed to that, they in turn are going to pay me 100.00 a month a piece which technically leaves me paying only $499 a month for a 3 story townhouse in ATL! Whoo hooo shawty!

On Friday, I went to a funeral too. At the last minute my Bishop asked if I could play because the regular organ player was late and they did not want to wait. So I did. Everything was everything. I realized at the funeral, I know a lot about the Bible. Why is that? Sometimes I feel like I am such a sinner such a screw up, but people keep telling me I am blessed, something big is going to happen for me, God has a plan. I guess I just have to sit and wait.
Iono, anyway I don’t have much to say!

Guess we’ll see as the week goes on! Have a great week!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


It's Finals week for me...OH MY GOSH CLASS IS ALMOST OVER THANK GOD!!!

1 final down-2 to go.

Oh yeah--I got a new spot. Wanna c it? Sure you do.

-The outside...

-The kitchen where I won't spend much time. Take note to the blender..you know how I do.
I move in completely on June 14th--after that I will post a million pics! Okay maybe only like 4 but you know what I mean.
Be safe this week everyone-I will try to submit a real post sometime this week!!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Still Standing

“Each and every element that exists in this universe is manifested from a thought first
Through the inner mind's eye of the unseen power in the sky
Gave birth to Mother Earth and all it's worth to you and I
This most loved invention, my conciousness is an extensionof Him,
yet I'm flesh and bone with a mind of my own
To dig deeper than the surface,
whether I learn from your upcomings or your downfalls
we all have individual purpose”
Cee-Lo of Goodie Mob “Still Standing”

What an amazing week, most of my friends have been saying, when we are off Monday the week seems so much longer. Ahhh, not to me young grasshoppers. This week has been great! No matter how my day goes, or the remainder of my week man I feel great. I don’t know what it is…wait yes I do. I’m Blessed man. That’s what keeps me feeling exquisite.

Nope, haven’t got a new place—however I looked at the place in Alpharetta yesterday (it’s not Dunwoody but eh---I like it.) The owner is supposed to make a decision today. Cross your fingers. If I get it you’re all invited to the pool for a little party. (SIKE!) I don’t know all of you suckas! (Just kidding I love you all like play cousins from around the corner.)

I also haven’t had any change in school except I am going to sit out the summer quarter stack and come back and bust a hole in this school situation. I guess I am *still standing*

Why was DeepNThought In Columbus at the same time as me and I missed her??? *UGH*

Friday, May 25, 2007


“Now when we see each other it's so strange
I don't know whether to hug him or slug him (damn)
I don't know whether to cap him or dap him
I don't know what to think of him,
I don't know what's happenin”

-Jay Z “It aint personal”

I came to Columbus yesterday and when I got up this morning I thought, why am I here? LOL I guess I’ve never been a fan of this city. Even when I lived here. I called my “bestfriends” mother because it was here birthday, and she sounded so excited to hear me. We haven’t talked since I left for Atlanta. We all used to be close. I used to call her mom, my how things change. I used to call my “bestfriend” (notice the quotes and picture someone talking to you and doing the quotes symbol with their fingers-that’s how I feel about her.) anyway, I used to call her family. Now we barely talk. She slept with my ex, and she lied about so much, she took advantage of me, but still calls me bestfriend. Imagine what she would do to an enemy…Now when we see each other it’s so strange, I don’t know whether to hug her or slug her. I don’t know whether to cap her or dap her I don’t know what to think of her…..I don’t know what happenin…

There’s something in me that leads me to believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that’s partly why I cant stay upset about any one thing for more than a moment at a time. For example, financial aid-I was upset when I found out, then I got over it. In fact I am completely over it. Deciding if I go to school this summer cool, if not…then I will take the summer off save money and go the following quarter.

One of my friends went to War, there’s something that lead me to believe he was there for a reason, he died. And I still believe it was for a reason. And please spare me on the “good of war,” talk. Because there’s nothing in me that believes in nor decided to support or NOT support this war. My little sister is in the Army, she’s 22 and an Officer. I am incredibly proud of her. But also afraid at the same time. However, had she not joined the Army and achieved the things she’s achieved I’d never had learned as much as I have about the Army, so I guess everything happens for a reason.

My roommate and I had a long talk, I never mentioned I was moving, nor did I get upset with her. I think that everyone is put in your life at certain points to teach you certain things. I think she was placed in my life at this point..at this time to teach me one of two things. Either she was placed here to teach me the wonders of patience, or how to throw better. Either way I benefit! :-)

On a lighter sideI have 5 possible places to move. I’m excited. Three are in Dunwoody where I currently reside, and one in Smyrna and one is Alpharetta. I decided I would go look at all of them next week, I think I would be cool living in them all. Guess we’ll see what happens. As my friend “D” would say “No Worries.”

Monday, May 21, 2007

Lately, I've been too lazy to post. I actually haven't had much to say. I think I am filled with the same issues everyday so I pretty have just been holding them in and trying to move forward.
I had a good weekend. I went to a graduation party which was great, those people know how to party. I had a great time. It was also cool, because the dj was someone I taught to dj-so to see him at work really made me smile. I knew he would be there because I referred him for the job, but I wanted to see him in action and I was really proud of his performance.
Other than taking some relatives to the airport I really didnt do much else this weekend. I decided I need to move-and I started really looking. Last week I was looking--but during the weekend I REALLY started looking. I think it's best. Sure I will be adding a whole section of bills when technically I dont have any. But if I want to go to school, then that's the consequence I have to suffer.
Plus I just dont think my roommate and I will work out much longer. Last night she had people come over at 3:00 in the morning. Granted she doesnt have class until 3 and she doesnt work so-that's fine for her. But I had class at 8--then I had to come to work all day and no matter how much I ask her to please keep the noise down or take her friends into her room at least, it doesnt work. So I think the best thing for me to do is find another place to live.
So if you live in Atlanta-or surrounding areas and know of some nice places feel free to pass the word!
Be Blessed everyone.
And thank you to every single person who took the time to wish me encouraging words last week. Even you:

------------Forwarded Message------------------------
From: Darrin Thomas
Date: May 15, 2007 6:08 PM
Your BlogTo: Cdotwill@tmail.com

Hey, I read your blog a lot and basically I just wanted to tell you to get over the whole school thing. People pay you live you learn drop out or move on. And are you really a rapper? I saw you posted that song before was that you?Darri


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Silence Is Golden

Verse: I decided to take a stand
Not knowing I'll lose my best friend
But I'd rather;
I'd rather live right
Than in hell lift up my eyes
Stand for Holiness
Stand for Righteousness
And be counted among them That shall reign with Him
You stand
When friends are gone
Stand when you're all alone
And believe He shall receive His own
Verse: I decided to take a stand
Not believing I'd lose Some of my friends
I would rather;
I'd rather live right Than in hell lift up my eyes.

-Stand John P Kee

Unfortunately right now...I have absolutely nothing else to say. So I end this post with one statement:

You will never break me. I'm standing. Kick Rocks!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Lessons I learned

Today I learned...

Because my cousins screwed my grandparents they choose not to help the good children, plus they may need money or loans to bail those kids out of jail. (NO TRUE STORY IT'S WHAT THE HELL THEY TOLD ME) So I have no co-signer so no student loans because I also have NO credit.

I learned that if you want to do well in life, know that no one will help you but if you choose to do wrong or have a million kids you have every opportunity in the world.

Last but not least I learned..financial aid is fuckin me slowly from behind and if I want to continue my education I should probably look into the lottery.

But on a lighter note...I am still an honors student.
But who the hell knows for how long?
Kick Rocks.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Peace to you my friend, K'naan

This is the impact I want to have. Simply amazing. I had to share. I really believe in supporting others. Maybe thats why I am so blessed. I have a important post coming soon--but for now please take a minute even if you don't like hip hop--if you like things of substance you will love this

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

So Thankful...Kinda.

"I'm the exception to every rule.."
C.I random conversation w/a guy from the Duck HQ

Yep..I quoted myself today. And what? Lol
Apparently people don't like when I don't post. I find that refreshing that someone would want to read my ramble. Imagine the irony of all of that..

Thank you for reading, commenting, and listening to my mumbo jumbo. (lol I said mumbo jumbo...I'm so throwbackish in my lingo huh?-So!)

Anyway, I've been in such a thankful mood, the funny thing is-I've been surrounded by negativity. So let's talk to the negative for a moment. And give thanks for them.
Thank you to my professor.

Professor Strahtezensky who is teaching me Applied Calculus 101 for the Masters and the fact that he told me I am probably going to fail the class. Thank you so much! Had you not told me I am probably going to fail your class I would not have learned the blessing of, "dropping a class!" I was trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to get rid of you. Thank you I love you for calling me a smart ass, and for asking me how I managed to get a B on my last test without being awake. Without you I am nothing.... *laughs, then rolls eyes*

Ed. Note
I'd also like to thank the stupid advisor who told me I had to take Applied Cal when I can really take an easier class---"Ideas of Mathematics" I appreciate you and you inability to do your job. Without you I might actually be headed down the right path. I love you so much!

Thank you to financial aid.
If it was not for you, I would not know the true of experience of working full time and being a college student. After all, it is your job to *NOT* financially aid/assist me. (It's just your name is so misleading) Thank you! If it wasn't for you, I'd be worry and carefree and who needs that.

Thank you Dunwoody Place Luxury homes for being so expensive. But I can't completely give you all of the thanks and just due because as I look on the internet I see that you only typically charge $1120 for the place I currently reside in--so I have to give thanks to my school as well for adding the additional 1075 a month. Thank you. If it wasn't for you I would not know the pleasure of house hunting right now. Thank you!

Thank you Chik-fil-a for being right by my house and having those milkshakes that I know for a fact you put crack in because I find myself shaking, itching, and twitching on the floor when I don't have one. Kick rocks you basturds.

Thank you for 4:30-7:00 traffic in Atlanta. But not just for the traffic for the fact that I leave work in Marietta and drive all the way to my exit...#27 (which coincides with the GA 400 exit) in roughly 7-9 minutes but sit in front my exit for 1hr just to get home again kick rocks! Also I'd like to thank you for giving me the bright idea to get off on Roswell rd, sure the traffic sucks but hey...I knock off a good 10-15 minutes of sitting when I do. And I run into the most addictive chicken on the planet *BOSTON MARKET* wait am I really mad about that one?? *scratches head*

Thank you T.R.
This one is most special because you have truly shown me what my pa-pa (yeah I am 20+ and I still call my grandfather pa-pa get over it) anyway you've shown me what my pa-pa means when he says, "She is a working girl!" Work on girlie work on! I'd also like to thank you for having sex in the living room and leaving condoms AND your underwear on the chase lounge. Without you-I'd possibly know what it was like to sit outside of my room but because of you I itch in any other part of the house. Appreciate you.

Finally I would like to thank the lovely waitress at Chin Chin #..okay I don't remember the number but the one right by Publix off of Peachtree..I'd like to thank you for dropping my Fried California Roll two days ago..making another one...giving it to the wrong person...making me late for work and hungry...plus carrying around Sushi..only to get to work to realize that you my lady gave me a Tuna Roll and Crab something or another which isn't what I ordered. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have been late to work or hungry. But on a sidenote the homeless guy on exit 20 in Marietta isn't hungry and that truly is because of you. GIVING ME THE WRONG DAMN MEAL! You know what you can do right?? KICK ROCKS!

I LOVE YOU!!! *Drops mic*

(I don't remember who abbreviated my name like that..but um..I loves it.)

Tuesday, May 8, 2007


Today's post is bought to you buy he who pays me looking mad hot on my desk in my office.
(Yep the kid got my own office now!)
And the letter "B"
As in dont BE acting BRAND new because I didn't post.
LOL. I kill me!
Sorry I've been getting a lot of emails from people who really appreciated my last post, nice. I appreciate you too. I will be back with a real post after these messages.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

An Open Letter from a Blessed Sinner

"They ask me, do I believe in God
So I ask them, did I defeat the odds?"
J-Kwon "They Ask"

Dear God,

You know I want to be a better person, it's normally during the middle/end of the week that I realize how Blessed I am. It's been a long week, but not an impossible one, I'm so Blessed to be able to stand tall, fall, and get back up. The Blessing you've shown me is not in the standing nor is it in the falling, but it's the ability to get back up. For that I thank you Lord.

I thank you for lessons Lord, because I am so young and I have so much to learn. So I thank you for test, trials, and tribulations because I've learned that testimonies, come from true tests.
I thank you Lord for the gift of silence, I have said very few words during this week. Not because I am upset or irritable but because silence is such a beautiful gift and I cherish the gift.

I've learned that sometimes hell is around you, and you still have to have Heaven. Thank you God for giving me an inner peace. Thank you for allowing my mother, grandmother, and women of my church to teach me that inner peace. Where to find it, how to hold onto it, and how to walk with my head held high in that full armour of peace.

I've learned "friends still claim they want to see me with Sunshine and Rainbows," but they will call all the way to Japan to try to shit on my rainbow and piss on my sun. I've learned those same friends can KICK rocks dirty basturds! Thank you for that lesson Lord.

Lord you know my heart, so I find it so easy to sit down and type an open letter to you. Profanity and all, because I know that you know everyday, every moment, is a struggle...still I am pushing forward because each step is one that will bring me closer to the person I need to be. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one understands....

Lord thank you for the weight. There are some who can't carry so I'm Blessed to feel the weight. I thank you for tears Lord, because maybe I need to cry every once in a while just so I can see clearly again.
Lord, I thank you...

Monday, April 30, 2007

All good things must come to an end.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"
-Eminem Toy Soldier

I feel so completely scatter brained. It's taken me far too long just to sit here and write my thoughts out. The weekend was completely not like I expected. I didn't get to have lunch with Jus B. Fli but I will! Especially knowing now, what I know based on emails, such a small world!

Anyway, I think Consistently Inconsistent has to be the best name ever for me. I am indeed consistently inconsistent. Scattered brained and all that stuff. I spent time with that dude on late Saturday early Sunday. I don't know how I feel about it. He works for the top electronics company in the world. He brokered a huge deal in New York and in a matter of minutes I went from extremely happy to devastatingly sad.

He presented the deal and now he has to close the deal...in Kyoto, Japan. He could be gone up to 4 months. I was devastated. Okay, we're not commited which is completely my fault, but for the last few weeks things have been really good, we have been together a lot mainly because of an issue that happened that bought us closer. (See April 10th or April 13th's random facts-it hints at what happen.) Anyway, now he's leaving. He asked me if I wanted him to stay. Of course I do. 4 months is a long time. But I didn't say it. I would never ask him to choose me over his job that he loves so much. The only comparison I have to that is music and he would never put me in that predicament. So I chose not to put him in that predicament. But when he went to shower, I cried. When I drove from his house I cried. Today I cried. I don't cry. Something in me just doesn't allow me to cry, I think it's because I carry so many different weights on my shoulders. My mother who's been through a divorce, my sister who's afraid to go to war but willing to die for this country, my brother, myself, everything is just sometimes too much.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"

When I got home my T.R was in the kitchen, and every dish in the house was dirty. Again. I didn't have the strength to clean up, or listen to her bull*ish. Not today, not after sitting down listening to that dude tell me he's leaving for 4 months. So I'm walking to my room and she says, "I hope you don't mind," anytime she says I hope you don't mind the next words out her mouth always irritate the hell outta me. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed some *items* (sidenote she listed all items but I don't care to disclose that.) from your room. I will replace them. I had company."

This is normally where I would insert some dumb face because that's what I do to her. Instead---slide to the left because I threw her cell phone, the house phone, and a glass at her dumb ass. That's right her cell phone, I was mad not dumb. This sidekick was a gift from Champ and cost him $375.00 who the hell is going to throw a $375.00 phone!? Normally I'm so calm but going in my room was asking for it. She left. This morning when I woke up, the house was clean, and there was a card on the table for me.

Just in case you thought I was bullsh*ttin. I went to class and then to work. Fuck a card man. I guess sometimes u gotta be crazy to get some peace.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wind Down Wednesday

*Ed Note if you asked me a question in the comments, I just started responding to those a few days ago lol so I may have responded there.*
"The time has come for bad things to end
The time has come for life to begin"
Ludacris War With God.
Well, it’s Wind down Wednesday. Okay for some it’s still Tuesday, but for me it’s Wednesday. I’ve never really been a “sleeper,” actually neither is my mother or grandmother. Maybe I inherited something. Either way I am usually up until roughly 2,3,4 in the morning. Then I sleep for an hour or two go to class and move on with my day.
You know, I feel so blessed, high favored, and undeserving of the life I live. Granted there are good days, as well as bad days, but most importantly there are days. I could have laid down and took the sleep of death. But instead, here I am awake, blessed to live another day. Thank you God.
Sometimes I wonder what did I do that was so amazing that God continues to bless me. The answer-nothing. But yet it still happens. I want to be a better person. I feel like I don’t try hard enough at times. People tell me I am a good person, one person even told me , “your mother raised some wonderful children.” That made me feel great.
But I still want to try harder to be a better person. Better for my mother who worked all day, attended school all night while trying to become a teacher, and enduring her husband who was cheating on her, but still had time just for me. For my sister who is a 22 year old officer in the US Army and believes in fighting for my right to live in this country that I take for granted quite often yet still has the innocence to laugh at the jokes printed on the laffy taffy candy. For my little brother who is 8 and has to know that I love him more than life itself because I tell him on a daily basis, even when he makes a 3 or 4 in school, knowing he is capable of a perfect 5 in behavior.
For that dude, who is more than anyone could ever understand. To have your bestfriend support you like no one else on the planet, even though you won’t commit, you can be difficult on purpose, you’re afraid to love him whole heartedly, you fear the idea of waking up and he’s not around, and he knows all this and still puts up with your *ish daily.
For friends that put up with my insecurities, my constant questions of my ability, and my talent and slap me back into reality. Those who feel like I am so strong, they can lean on me at any given moment, and those who have seen me weak and have let me crumble, put me back together again, and sent me on my way.
For my stepfather’s parents, my grandparents, who talk that crack to me. Translation: they talk that addictive talk, the talk that pushes me to be a better person, to strive to walk forward rather than backwards because I have choices and they did not.
For my unborn children who have to know that I am so in love with them even though they have yet to come into existence.
For you for reading my thoughts, making me laugh with your comments, and relating to my thoughts, pain, and struggles. Last but not least for me because I need to be a better person, I need to succeed, because I just need..it is because of these reasons I want to strive to be a better person. Lord Help Me.

Monday, April 23, 2007

By Popular demand I present how I met T.R

ME + =

Let’s start at the beginning. Back in or around June I decided I was going to go back to school. I really wanted something more than being confined in my cube day in and day out. Granted I got off at 2:30 and I pretty much lounged around and I didn’t do in the department I worked in and the money was good, I still felt it wasn’t enough. I needed to be in a position to pursue music or at least build the strong foundation for the things I want to do in the future. So I decided I would attend The Art Institute of Atlanta, at the time one of my friends was living in Atlanta-he had left the duck too and needed a roommate since his family was telling him to get the hell out. I decided I needed to be gone by January 1st new year new start. So I decided I needed to pursue school actively again, I called the friend in Atlanta and he was really not making an effort to find a place I was doing all the work. Not a good look.
So I applied at the school and got accepted. I was starting classes on January 8th. Immediately I started contacting the school, I needed a place to stay or I would be forced to commute from Columbus to Atlanta daily. The school admissions counselor wasn’t returning my calls. Stupid Bytch! So January 6th rolls around and I go up to Atlanta for orientation. 8 long hour and finally I could drive back to Columbus---when I hear my name being yelled across the room. I look and it’s the Dean of Housing. He says we’ve been looking for you. We have an apartment for you! What the hell? Cool! I couldn’t be happier. So I get in the office and they tell me to fill out this form, I complete the form at the top it has me living in the “honors housing,” I’m like 0k. I am about to be living it up. In walks “Closet Man,” (I am calling him that because he was so openly gay but in complete denial until about a week or two ago) he says wait, wait you need to fill out this other form for these apartments. The ones I currently live in. I’m like okay cool. So he’s rushing me to complete the form and hurrying me along.
Come to find out, the T.R’s old roommate who graduated months prior was still living in the apartment (which is included in your tuition so no monthly bills but you have all the perks, cable, gated community, phone, etc etc.). Anyway “Closet man,” knew this and he is as messy as the most trifling females. He was trying to get my T.R caught. So while he is rushing me, he’s on the phone with her telling her don’t worry I got your back I’m putting her in honors housing. When really he was setting her up. He was telling their boss that my T.R still had the old roommate living there and he could prove it. Anyway, her boss ends up calling her to let her know that I was coming by to see where I would be staying. So here I go strolling through blindly to this apartment. Meanwhile the “Closet Man,” called and told the T.R you won’t like her, she is a bytch, she fought for this apartment etc. etc. watch your back girl. So the T.R is packing everything as fast as she can to avoid me finding out that her roommate is still there. And already hating me because, "Closet Man," is filling her head with garbage.
So I get to the apartment meet the T.R and we click. She seems cool. Anyway, I move in on the 8th because I still had my condo in Columbus and figured I would enjoy the last few days in it. Anyway for the first few days we don’t really talk I go to class and this other chic is lounging on our couch and I get the weird feeling I am UNWANTED. WTF? This is my house. So the other chic leaves one night and my roommate and I talk--that’s when I find out all the above stuff. That old girl doesn’t have a place to stay, she has no where else to go, Closet Man knew and set her up. I was just a pawn in all of it. Time moved on me and the T.R talked more and she is an okay person-I wouldn’t hang with her if we didn’t live together because she not only has the same birthday as my supposed to be best friend, but they have the same characteristics--not trying to go that route again.
Anyway that’s how we met. At this point-the other chic and the T.R arent friends anymore. How bout she got an apartment last month and when she moved out- she took most of my T.R’s stuff! LMAO and that my friends is how I got this roommate!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up!

This picture has nothing to do with anything, I just found it very funny.

I had a really good weekend. I guess time does fly when you are having fun. One of my closest friends from Columbus, the one who is 16 years older than me, came up and we had dinner and really talked. Funny thing we met when I worked for the duck and initially I was like gosh, this chic is nuts. It wasn't that she was nuts, it's that she would worry me to death about random things like hanging out or whatever. Like if she said you wanna go out? And I said ok. She would bug me about it the rest of the day. But I've come to realize thats her personality. Anyway, since I've left Columbus she and I have really been talking. And I've learned we're a like in a lot of ways. I also learned a lot about her. Not just her the outward but her inward. I'm glad that I was blessed to add another person to my life that I can truly call, "friend." For me that's rare.
After dinner (and a few drinks *cough* cough*) I went home. And here's where things get interesting.. the T.R had weekend company. Okay, I know you guys are like, "What else is new?" Relax grasshoppers here's the new part. 3 guys. Don't re-read it you read right. 3 guys. Two slept in her room. One slept on our couch. So as I am stumbling past the couch there is this random guy is strolled out, I stumble into the kitchen looking for snacks...why do I always want snacks after drinking? Anyway, I'm at the sink which is somewhat of a bar and over looks the living room where this guy has his rusty nuts laying on our couch. I'm assuming he is asleep so I am trying to be really quiet at the sink. When rusty nuts looks up and says, "what up shorty you need some help? Want some company? " *Rolls eyes* Getdafucouttahere this is not happening.
Anyway, I turn to old rusty nuts and say, "No thank you, I'm good." He proceeds to ask my name, where am I from, can he come in my room?! What the hell?? So I call *That dude* and tell him to come over. Immediately. 15 minutes later he was there. (Ed. Note why the hell is his hotel always so close to my house. Is That Dude watching me? Sexy bastard.) Moving along..old rusty nuts says-I am single you single? Your roommate said you single but you got a friend or whatever. You looking to meet someone new? What you trying to do tonight? Where you been? *Rolls eyes* Whatdafuccisthisthemuthafuckin FBI???? Where the hell is that dude??????? Finally the phone rings. I look down at the Caller Id but before I can actually pick it up T.R grabs it. S'all goodie! I was still able to notice the caller Id and it was OUR GATE CALLING!! Thank God for that dude.. T.R comes out of her room in her normal bra/panty ensemble and says gate was for you it was that dude sounding so sexy I buzzed him in. *Insert my Is Consistent gonna have to choke a bitch face!?" Anyway that dude comes in, with his ever so cocky ass and walks right past old rusty nuts (doesn't that nickname crack you up? Don't front!) anyway he walks right past him grabs me by the waist and heads in the room. I hate that I love him so much. Damn it. Anyway fast forward. :-)
I had so much to do today. (Sunday) That dude had to leave early to catch a flight to Baltimore. I felt a little upset that he left *sigh* but a little relieved to because our situation is based on the phrase.."too much of a good thing.." you know?! Anyway, I had a meeting with a Sony rep and one with the Ducks RSC (Regional Sales Coordinator). Both meetings went well. The Sony rep just wanted to make sure I was working on my mixtape and to touch base with me. *awwww how sweet.* I wonder if I should have told him that I met someone from Grandhustle? Ahhh, oh well.
The Ducks RSC, wanted me to meet with him because I came highly recommended from the Duck headquarters. Lol that sounds funnny. Anyway, long story short I took the job. I took it for a couple of reasons. He's paying me $7.50 more than I was making at the Duck headquarters. Now money isnt everything and if my happiness is jeopardize I will quit in an instance.. Plus he is willing to work around my school schedule and right now that's very important. Not to mention right now I work at the "box thrower capital of the world," lol and manual labor just isnt for me. As a matter of fact everytime I see brown trucks now I feel slightly traumatized. Lol.
Well I guess my mindless ramble is done for now. Have a wonderful Monday everyone! Peace, Blessings, & Continued elevation throughout this week.
A Pefect Imperfection, Me.
Yes, the T.R did, with both guys at the same time and lived to tell me about it. *gag, cough, barf*