Monday, April 30, 2007

All good things must come to an end.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"
-Eminem Toy Soldier

I feel so completely scatter brained. It's taken me far too long just to sit here and write my thoughts out. The weekend was completely not like I expected. I didn't get to have lunch with Jus B. Fli but I will! Especially knowing now, what I know based on emails, such a small world!

Anyway, I think Consistently Inconsistent has to be the best name ever for me. I am indeed consistently inconsistent. Scattered brained and all that stuff. I spent time with that dude on late Saturday early Sunday. I don't know how I feel about it. He works for the top electronics company in the world. He brokered a huge deal in New York and in a matter of minutes I went from extremely happy to devastatingly sad.

He presented the deal and now he has to close the Kyoto, Japan. He could be gone up to 4 months. I was devastated. Okay, we're not commited which is completely my fault, but for the last few weeks things have been really good, we have been together a lot mainly because of an issue that happened that bought us closer. (See April 10th or April 13th's random facts-it hints at what happen.) Anyway, now he's leaving. He asked me if I wanted him to stay. Of course I do. 4 months is a long time. But I didn't say it. I would never ask him to choose me over his job that he loves so much. The only comparison I have to that is music and he would never put me in that predicament. So I chose not to put him in that predicament. But when he went to shower, I cried. When I drove from his house I cried. Today I cried. I don't cry. Something in me just doesn't allow me to cry, I think it's because I carry so many different weights on my shoulders. My mother who's been through a divorce, my sister who's afraid to go to war but willing to die for this country, my brother, myself, everything is just sometimes too much.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"

When I got home my T.R was in the kitchen, and every dish in the house was dirty. Again. I didn't have the strength to clean up, or listen to her bull*ish. Not today, not after sitting down listening to that dude tell me he's leaving for 4 months. So I'm walking to my room and she says, "I hope you don't mind," anytime she says I hope you don't mind the next words out her mouth always irritate the hell outta me. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed some *items* (sidenote she listed all items but I don't care to disclose that.) from your room. I will replace them. I had company."

This is normally where I would insert some dumb face because that's what I do to her. Instead---slide to the left because I threw her cell phone, the house phone, and a glass at her dumb ass. That's right her cell phone, I was mad not dumb. This sidekick was a gift from Champ and cost him $375.00 who the hell is going to throw a $375.00 phone!? Normally I'm so calm but going in my room was asking for it. She left. This morning when I woke up, the house was clean, and there was a card on the table for me.

Just in case you thought I was bullsh*ttin. I went to class and then to work. Fuck a card man. I guess sometimes u gotta be crazy to get some peace.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wind Down Wednesday

*Ed Note if you asked me a question in the comments, I just started responding to those a few days ago lol so I may have responded there.*
"The time has come for bad things to end
The time has come for life to begin"
Ludacris War With God.
Well, it’s Wind down Wednesday. Okay for some it’s still Tuesday, but for me it’s Wednesday. I’ve never really been a “sleeper,” actually neither is my mother or grandmother. Maybe I inherited something. Either way I am usually up until roughly 2,3,4 in the morning. Then I sleep for an hour or two go to class and move on with my day.
You know, I feel so blessed, high favored, and undeserving of the life I live. Granted there are good days, as well as bad days, but most importantly there are days. I could have laid down and took the sleep of death. But instead, here I am awake, blessed to live another day. Thank you God.
Sometimes I wonder what did I do that was so amazing that God continues to bless me. The answer-nothing. But yet it still happens. I want to be a better person. I feel like I don’t try hard enough at times. People tell me I am a good person, one person even told me , “your mother raised some wonderful children.” That made me feel great.
But I still want to try harder to be a better person. Better for my mother who worked all day, attended school all night while trying to become a teacher, and enduring her husband who was cheating on her, but still had time just for me. For my sister who is a 22 year old officer in the US Army and believes in fighting for my right to live in this country that I take for granted quite often yet still has the innocence to laugh at the jokes printed on the laffy taffy candy. For my little brother who is 8 and has to know that I love him more than life itself because I tell him on a daily basis, even when he makes a 3 or 4 in school, knowing he is capable of a perfect 5 in behavior.
For that dude, who is more than anyone could ever understand. To have your bestfriend support you like no one else on the planet, even though you won’t commit, you can be difficult on purpose, you’re afraid to love him whole heartedly, you fear the idea of waking up and he’s not around, and he knows all this and still puts up with your *ish daily.
For friends that put up with my insecurities, my constant questions of my ability, and my talent and slap me back into reality. Those who feel like I am so strong, they can lean on me at any given moment, and those who have seen me weak and have let me crumble, put me back together again, and sent me on my way.
For my stepfather’s parents, my grandparents, who talk that crack to me. Translation: they talk that addictive talk, the talk that pushes me to be a better person, to strive to walk forward rather than backwards because I have choices and they did not.
For my unborn children who have to know that I am so in love with them even though they have yet to come into existence.
For you for reading my thoughts, making me laugh with your comments, and relating to my thoughts, pain, and struggles. Last but not least for me because I need to be a better person, I need to succeed, because I just is because of these reasons I want to strive to be a better person. Lord Help Me.

Monday, April 23, 2007

By Popular demand I present how I met T.R

ME + =

Let’s start at the beginning. Back in or around June I decided I was going to go back to school. I really wanted something more than being confined in my cube day in and day out. Granted I got off at 2:30 and I pretty much lounged around and I didn’t do in the department I worked in and the money was good, I still felt it wasn’t enough. I needed to be in a position to pursue music or at least build the strong foundation for the things I want to do in the future. So I decided I would attend The Art Institute of Atlanta, at the time one of my friends was living in Atlanta-he had left the duck too and needed a roommate since his family was telling him to get the hell out. I decided I needed to be gone by January 1st new year new start. So I decided I needed to pursue school actively again, I called the friend in Atlanta and he was really not making an effort to find a place I was doing all the work. Not a good look.
So I applied at the school and got accepted. I was starting classes on January 8th. Immediately I started contacting the school, I needed a place to stay or I would be forced to commute from Columbus to Atlanta daily. The school admissions counselor wasn’t returning my calls. Stupid Bytch! So January 6th rolls around and I go up to Atlanta for orientation. 8 long hour and finally I could drive back to Columbus---when I hear my name being yelled across the room. I look and it’s the Dean of Housing. He says we’ve been looking for you. We have an apartment for you! What the hell? Cool! I couldn’t be happier. So I get in the office and they tell me to fill out this form, I complete the form at the top it has me living in the “honors housing,” I’m like 0k. I am about to be living it up. In walks “Closet Man,” (I am calling him that because he was so openly gay but in complete denial until about a week or two ago) he says wait, wait you need to fill out this other form for these apartments. The ones I currently live in. I’m like okay cool. So he’s rushing me to complete the form and hurrying me along.
Come to find out, the T.R’s old roommate who graduated months prior was still living in the apartment (which is included in your tuition so no monthly bills but you have all the perks, cable, gated community, phone, etc etc.). Anyway “Closet man,” knew this and he is as messy as the most trifling females. He was trying to get my T.R caught. So while he is rushing me, he’s on the phone with her telling her don’t worry I got your back I’m putting her in honors housing. When really he was setting her up. He was telling their boss that my T.R still had the old roommate living there and he could prove it. Anyway, her boss ends up calling her to let her know that I was coming by to see where I would be staying. So here I go strolling through blindly to this apartment. Meanwhile the “Closet Man,” called and told the T.R you won’t like her, she is a bytch, she fought for this apartment etc. etc. watch your back girl. So the T.R is packing everything as fast as she can to avoid me finding out that her roommate is still there. And already hating me because, "Closet Man," is filling her head with garbage.
So I get to the apartment meet the T.R and we click. She seems cool. Anyway, I move in on the 8th because I still had my condo in Columbus and figured I would enjoy the last few days in it. Anyway for the first few days we don’t really talk I go to class and this other chic is lounging on our couch and I get the weird feeling I am UNWANTED. WTF? This is my house. So the other chic leaves one night and my roommate and I talk--that’s when I find out all the above stuff. That old girl doesn’t have a place to stay, she has no where else to go, Closet Man knew and set her up. I was just a pawn in all of it. Time moved on me and the T.R talked more and she is an okay person-I wouldn’t hang with her if we didn’t live together because she not only has the same birthday as my supposed to be best friend, but they have the same characteristics--not trying to go that route again.
Anyway that’s how we met. At this point-the other chic and the T.R arent friends anymore. How bout she got an apartment last month and when she moved out- she took most of my T.R’s stuff! LMAO and that my friends is how I got this roommate!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up!

This picture has nothing to do with anything, I just found it very funny.

I had a really good weekend. I guess time does fly when you are having fun. One of my closest friends from Columbus, the one who is 16 years older than me, came up and we had dinner and really talked. Funny thing we met when I worked for the duck and initially I was like gosh, this chic is nuts. It wasn't that she was nuts, it's that she would worry me to death about random things like hanging out or whatever. Like if she said you wanna go out? And I said ok. She would bug me about it the rest of the day. But I've come to realize thats her personality. Anyway, since I've left Columbus she and I have really been talking. And I've learned we're a like in a lot of ways. I also learned a lot about her. Not just her the outward but her inward. I'm glad that I was blessed to add another person to my life that I can truly call, "friend." For me that's rare.
After dinner (and a few drinks *cough* cough*) I went home. And here's where things get interesting.. the T.R had weekend company. Okay, I know you guys are like, "What else is new?" Relax grasshoppers here's the new part. 3 guys. Don't re-read it you read right. 3 guys. Two slept in her room. One slept on our couch. So as I am stumbling past the couch there is this random guy is strolled out, I stumble into the kitchen looking for snacks...why do I always want snacks after drinking? Anyway, I'm at the sink which is somewhat of a bar and over looks the living room where this guy has his rusty nuts laying on our couch. I'm assuming he is asleep so I am trying to be really quiet at the sink. When rusty nuts looks up and says, "what up shorty you need some help? Want some company? " *Rolls eyes* Getdafucouttahere this is not happening.
Anyway, I turn to old rusty nuts and say, "No thank you, I'm good." He proceeds to ask my name, where am I from, can he come in my room?! What the hell?? So I call *That dude* and tell him to come over. Immediately. 15 minutes later he was there. (Ed. Note why the hell is his hotel always so close to my house. Is That Dude watching me? Sexy bastard.) Moving along..old rusty nuts says-I am single you single? Your roommate said you single but you got a friend or whatever. You looking to meet someone new? What you trying to do tonight? Where you been? *Rolls eyes* Whatdafuccisthisthemuthafuckin FBI???? Where the hell is that dude??????? Finally the phone rings. I look down at the Caller Id but before I can actually pick it up T.R grabs it. S'all goodie! I was still able to notice the caller Id and it was OUR GATE CALLING!! Thank God for that dude.. T.R comes out of her room in her normal bra/panty ensemble and says gate was for you it was that dude sounding so sexy I buzzed him in. *Insert my Is Consistent gonna have to choke a bitch face!?" Anyway that dude comes in, with his ever so cocky ass and walks right past old rusty nuts (doesn't that nickname crack you up? Don't front!) anyway he walks right past him grabs me by the waist and heads in the room. I hate that I love him so much. Damn it. Anyway fast forward. :-)
I had so much to do today. (Sunday) That dude had to leave early to catch a flight to Baltimore. I felt a little upset that he left *sigh* but a little relieved to because our situation is based on the phrase.."too much of a good thing.." you know?! Anyway, I had a meeting with a Sony rep and one with the Ducks RSC (Regional Sales Coordinator). Both meetings went well. The Sony rep just wanted to make sure I was working on my mixtape and to touch base with me. *awwww how sweet.* I wonder if I should have told him that I met someone from Grandhustle? Ahhh, oh well.
The Ducks RSC, wanted me to meet with him because I came highly recommended from the Duck headquarters. Lol that sounds funnny. Anyway, long story short I took the job. I took it for a couple of reasons. He's paying me $7.50 more than I was making at the Duck headquarters. Now money isnt everything and if my happiness is jeopardize I will quit in an instance.. Plus he is willing to work around my school schedule and right now that's very important. Not to mention right now I work at the "box thrower capital of the world," lol and manual labor just isnt for me. As a matter of fact everytime I see brown trucks now I feel slightly traumatized. Lol.
Well I guess my mindless ramble is done for now. Have a wonderful Monday everyone! Peace, Blessings, & Continued elevation throughout this week.
A Pefect Imperfection, Me.
Yes, the T.R did, with both guys at the same time and lived to tell me about it. *gag, cough, barf*

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thursday huh?

"Fake love, fake fuck, fake thugs
Gotta one myself for your fake shit,
I raise up"
-Jay Z It aint Personal
I think you live and you learn and you pray that somewhere down the line you right your wrongs and live the straight and narrow. Sometimes, I think there are foothills, mountains, mole hill, cum suckas, and obstacles placed in your way to prevent that. I can only be me.
Rarely do I say it, but I am so thankful for family and true friends. Those that send me a text message just to say hello, those who tell me when I'm out of line, those that tell me to go re-write something I wrote. Those that can say, "Fuck you, now let's go eat dinner." I need those people. I feed off of them as much as they feed off of me.
I have a bestfriend. Not my first ever bestfriend and honestly not someone who I even call bestfriend anymore. Honestly I don't think we even know each other anymore. Long story--nonetheless I've learned difficult things about her. It makes me wonder how can you want to see me so happy, want to see me with sunshine and rainbows..but then you shit on my rainbow and piss on my sun? (Lord, forgive me but you know I'm working on my mouth...)
*Damn it*
I guess I still have so much to learn.
  • Tell me, why is it that I live in Dunwoody and can't find one muthafreakin' Churches, KFC, or Popeye's chicken?!! Can I just have one damn biscuit and a piece of chicken!!!!!!! Son of ...sorry.

  • Why is it that Permeter mall is too damn big?'

  • Why is it that I work for a slave driver and now that I have been offered a job with the duck’s agent up here I feel like the slave driver might not be to bad?
  • Why is it that no one wants you until you are not looking?

  • Why is it that when vacuuming I pick up paper look at it and throw it back down if I can vacuum over it?

  • Why is it that I love Raisin Bran but hate Raisins but can’t eat Raisin Bran without the Raisins?

  • Why is it that people think I am going to six flags with them because the duck is sending them?

  • Why is it that I find it so amazingly attractive when a man smells good?
  • Why is it that gas prices are so mutha freakin high?

  • Why do I love the Apache Cafe? I love the poetry I love the ambience, I love performing there, I love the crab cakes. *WOW*

  • Why is it Thursday, I'm alone in my room and I couldn't be happier at this moment? Silence is sometime so golden. Today I needed this silence. Thank you God for Silence.

Monday, April 16, 2007

*Monday* Grrrrrr!

Grrrr it's Monday!

I'm filled with random thoughts..

Why did my roommate have a meet and greet for her new residents under her..and she is now with one and he's under her. Something is so morally wrong with me that I can joke about her sexcapades. Something is even more morally wrong that I've grown to accept or even expect the whole thing! But I must admit dude is probably thinking he is the luckiest 21 year old new student on the planet. Some welcoming R.A. He probably thinks R.A stands for Resident Ass! *Wow*
(I slay me! No, really I do!)

Ahh, the joy of laughter*

I hate Mondays, but if there were no Mondays I'd probably hate Tuesdays. Sorry Monday someone has to take the blame. Anyway, despite Monday being the sucky day, today went fairly well. Actually the weekend went fairly well too. I finished working on my cd too-but I haven't put it together yet. Basically I've been listening to the CD to determine the yes and no's and I will go from there. It's just a mixtape but it feels kind of monumental. I also worked on Champ's CD. We're just about done. Thank God because he is driving me nuts.
*Um let's see what else to talk about? *
Nothing to report on *That Dude* (Sorry Slish, I can't think of a better name. See it's not really the name as much as it is how you say the name at the moment lol.)
Basically nothing more to say however...Daz did email me and ask me to write a poem. So I'll just drop a line here right now rather than try to think of something because..........I don't feel like pondering.
Anyway, without further ado..For Daz.
I drop liquid thoughts
On premeditated papers
I look in the face of life
And blow kisses to happiness
Life disguises change in the midst
Of variety and it's entirety
I guess I’m life.
Um I dont know where else I am going with that one. So here's another.
Last night I prayed to God
which for the common sinner is hard
I asked for you...
I begged for you..
Then I hungered for you..
In the Midnight hour
God answered my prayers
and fed me with your love
and I have never stop thanking him.
That's all I got, I got nothing else Daz. Sorry. Maybe something will come to me. But off the top of my head that's all I got curse these dead brain cells lol.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Random Facts

20 Random Facts about me.

  • I used to work for a duck.
  • I've only said, "I love you," four times. Two of those times were to, "That Dude"
  • I don't cry. It takes pain in my soul for me to cry. I cried 9/11 because my great grandmother died. That was the last time until this past weekend. My soul really hurt.
  • I'm allergic to ants. Those little basturds could kill me. Grrr!
  • I say, "Grrr," when I am frustrated.
  • I have 24 ringtones but the only custom ring tones are: Mom-My love, Siblings-Go Getta, Grandma-Imagine Me, Champ-Because of you, and "That Dude"-I Can't leave you alone/Promise depending on my mood. All other calls ring like a phone-what a concept huh?
  • I used to play basketball and could have went to NC to play ball, instead I turned the scholarship down to support a friend who recently found a new guy and could careless about me now that she is doing well.
  • I stopped eating pork and red meat when I was 11, my mother once served pork chops, ham, steak, and roast everyday for 3 weeks to see if I would break. I didnt eat for three weeks. To this day she never says, "You'll eat what I cook or not eat at all.." because I broke that theory.
  • My grandmother is one of my bestfriends. If not the best. Another of my bestfriends is 16 years older than me and I love her like a sister. My little brother is my favorite person on the planet and he's 8. My sister is 22 and I love her more than life itself.
  • The sexiest thing about "That Dude," to me is his commitment to me.
  • I don't think I am pretty but I got hella game and I am a great friend. People have always said I am an amazing listener.
  • My bestfriend died when I was 12, I miss him everyday of my life.
    "That Dude," flew to see me because I text the words.."I need u." I do need him. People will never understand our situation.
  • I'm addicted to "Girlfriends," and "Heroes."
  • When "Champ" and I have a show-I always have sex prior. It releases the energy. *ugh*
  • I was once in an abusive relationship-"That Dude," saved me despite it being during our off time.
  • I'm afraid I will die young. (Sidenote: Most people think I'm 17-I wish)
  • I never knew I wanted children until this past weekend.
  • I will be graduating next year with a BA (2 years faster than most)
  • It took me 3hrs to think of these random facts and I didnt slap my roommate once. Thought about it twice.

Happy Friday to those who glance at my random ramble.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Murder was the case..

I think I'm going to kill my roommate...
Pray for us....
PS: Thanks for the emails. I'm feeling better and maybe I will blog about it one day.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I once heard a saying although I am not sure who said it but I remember seeing it in the 5 Heart Beats when Robert Townsend's Character wins an award for songwriter of the year I think. Anyway he basically said, being a good writer means suffering some. So I guess without pain, there's really no life.
From Sunday to Tuesday is a short period of time. During that time I've learned that sometimes you never know how much you loved something or wanted something until it's given to you then immediately taken away without your consent.
Ive grown a tremendous amount in these few days, and I'm happy "That Dude.." flew here. I'm amazingly blessed for the things I have, but I openly admit to you Lord, I'm sad. I know you don't make mistakes and I am aware of all the cliche's everything happens for a reason... I just hope the reason it "written and plain," so that I can understand more.
As of right now, thats all I want to say about the situation.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Is this thing still on??

"He loves my hip hop
I love his flow
I love his thoughts
I never talked to him but...

I've seen his movements and the way his head
grooves to the sax in the back of the room
while mellow chats fill the air never once leaving the tune for mere conversation
head, arms, body, and soul anticipating
the next words to leave my mouth
and travel through the air, sometimes reaching him in mid stare, in the back of the room
amidst the cloudy air he sits glancing at my thoughts in the same chair
And from that I just know..

I love his thoughts..."


I'm in Columbus, GA right now relaxing with my little brother since it's Easter weekend. Right now he's whippin' some virtual ass on his wrestling game. I think in my blog I'm going to call him lil' wrestler. So now we have T.R-trifling roommate, Champ-my close male friend, Anton-the bummy dude my T.R sleeps with, and Suspect the guy who she does that I suspect is gay that she tries to sleep with but he can't stay up unless he getting head. What a variety of characters.

Anyway, I posted another poem. It's called, "I love his thoughts.." Most of my poems were from a book I wanted to write but I never really knew how to go about in publishing the book so they are basically sitting here in my room. In a notebook doing nothing. Occasionally I read them and I think I will post a couple here and there. A guy emailed me and asked--is that last poem what I think it's about? I guess he was too embarrassed to post. Um..depends sucka. What are you thinking? LOL

I think it could be interpreted in many ways. But is it about sex? Is that what you're asking??! Damn it spit it out?! Just kiddin' guy. Yes it's about sex, or at least the emotions involved with some portions of sex. (Brain...that's not a hard metaphor) Damn it. There's that sarcasm again. My fault buddy.

Anyway it's about sex to a certain extent it's also about emotions tied in with sex. Champ once told me that he is in love with talking about sex, but he feels disgusted when a woman says it in such a vulgar way that it's no longer sexy. So I guess that poem was my attempt to say it in a semi-decent way so as to not sound vulgar.

By the way, "Happy why the hell are bunnies and eggs involved day!"

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Is this thing on???

Let's play a game called

You do me I do you

erupt ya soul

through words like flowers in bloom

release tenacious


thru illuminating vibrations

until thoughts become


through visualizations

a touch of words

creates a tingle of sensation

glass jaws

amidst hammering thoughts

caught between reality and fiction

friction increasing

amongst the sane

relaxation to ease the pain

of words..

giving satisfying brain.


Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Dear God..

"Too many scenes of violence
led to moments of silence
and empty carcuses lying where my friends one resided
I'm divided a victim of society
the man is eyein' me
Dear God Please let me survive the dyer need
to grab a crack pipe and release some tension
cause ascension has left me reminiscent
of my family members that have blow it away
throw it away....
I wanna be old and watch my hair turn grey but I'm afraid..."

"Dear God.." c. 1999 (written and produced by me...)

I wrote that years ago after three of my friends were killed and I still feel it in my soul like it was yesterday. After "The Champ's" friend was killed-he asked for a copy of this song. It's old and the sound is a bit off but I guess the point came across. You can check it out above temporarily.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Music Makes Me High

Last night I had a talk with God
we talked about how rap was so so hard
I break my back to get up on the mic and rock a session
and now that I'm improving I'm bound to feel the essence
these chics is like Donahue they throwin' out questions
Cause I keep my clothes on these chics same I'm lame
But I feel God gave me blessings
and since I was born the kid had lyrical fitness
but call me Jehovah cause I'm still trying to get a witness
It's now or later just like the candy I'm handy...
to give you what you need
Thought music for your mind satisfaction guaranteed
see no if and or buts who to blame
blame ya self for the lame ha music must change
I have ups and downs like longitude and latititude
me without a mic is like God having and attitude

-I told Jesus c.2001

Monday, April 2, 2007

Black Girl Lost..The weekend wrap up!!!

"A young wild beautiful love child,
You like them thug style link rockin', then mink coppin
hit you on the sink a hundred dollar drink poppin'
The head'll make him take you shoppin, a foul doctrine..... was innocent, but now you rent-a-dick"
Nas-Black Girl Lost

This weekend was really good, one of the most important people in my life came up here to chill for the weekend and work on his cd. I was happy to see him, in fact I was ecstatic. He came in Friday night eh..early Saturday. He got here at like 2am. From there we did some catching up. Although we've only been apart for a couple of months (Ed.note: I saw him last week briefly when he accompanied me to a friend's mother's funeral) anyway--we had so much to catch up on.

From this weekend I learned a lot. One of the things I learned was why he is so important to me. It's because I value our conversations, our chats, how alike we are, and the fact that he is a "he" and we can be just friends. For me, that's amazing. Anyway-when he got here he gave me a huge hug and said I'm hungry we have to eat..out walks the "T.R.". (Huge Ed. note: Oh I was so annoyed by her this weekend.) Let me give you some background on her before I go on... I have my friend's pictures all over my room because we are just that close. He has pictures of me up..again we're just that close. So anyway she's seen his picture in my room and commented on how unattractive he is. (Another Sidenote he is sooooooo attractive. However his complexion is dark-but his skin is beautiful, it's one of his best features in my opinion.) Anyway she doesn't like men with darker complexions. She says it constantly "Anton," has a light complexion, so does this guy who is suspect (i.e possibly gay) who she fools around with, and these two other guys that she occasionally pops off. Then she wonders why she can't find someone to settle down with. When you limit your options you limit your futre. My mom always told me that you will usually fall in love with a person who is completely out of your element. I believe that and that's why I don't limit myself. But I understand people like what they like. It's just hard for me to understand with her. Her complexion is dark and she despises men who only date women with light complexions but she only dates men with light complexions. *ugh*

Anyway as we're leaving she walks out conveniently. So I introduce him to her "Champ" this is "T.R"..."T.R" this is "Champ" She grabs him and says, "Omg you smell so good, just like a man. She then throws her body against him in a grinding motion. *Ugh* annoyed. So we leave and head to Mc Donald's because we're both too hungry for the Waffle House wait. Anyway we're in line at Mc Donald's chillin' and he turns to me and says, your roommate's a hoe. (Insert no kidding face). Then we talked deeply for a minute. He told me that he was bothered that she didn't know the status of us and she blatanly disrespcted me by throwing herself at him. He was really upset by that. I told him it was cool, because I know the type of person she is. But it did spark thoughts within my mind. Everytime I have company that she knows about if it's male she throws herself at them. Then I noticed that I find myself keeping that dude to myself. He comes over often and when he does he comes directly to my room. Which I love. And he said something to her that made me rape him... The first time he came over she threw herself at him. He pushed her back and told her that he felt very uncomfortable and that he was with me. That was a rape moment. (Ed. note it happens..every now and then men do something wonderful or they just plain exists which drives us wild thus making us rape them get over it lol.) Anyway I digress..

Saturday we went to the gym in my posh apartment complex lol and worked out for about an hr. He told me he was going to have to cover me up because he is noticing how I'm toning up and he doesn't want to kill some dude. Overall it was a good work out. Then we walked back to my apartment and decided that we were going to eat. Soon as we get home my roommate says--hey where are you guys going? I have to have a meeting here at the apartment. So you guys have to be on your best behavior no sex.. she walks out we look at each other and laugh...because no matter how much I tried to explain to her it's not that type of love and closeness. She can't grasp it. She doesn't believe in those type of friendships. Anyway we shower, get dressed, and quietly walk out of the house-because she is having a meeting in the living room. This cum suckin' slut stops her meeting and says where are you going??? I'm broke and hungry...don't leave...Inserty my "Getdafucouttahere face.." "The Champ," puts his hands on my waste and pushes me out the room lol. Hint taken.

It was final four weekend so we got to Applebees and guess who was there? NO ONE!!! Greatness. We ate and enjoyed some casual conversation. Caught up on some old times and laughed about some jokes. Then we went home and worked on some music which was great. In comes the T.R. "oh you guys are back!!!" After a few hours she got annoyed that we werent paying her any attention and left. So we finish working and knock out a few good ideas..and decide we're going to get something to drink. So we leave and do that...she calls and by then it's roughly about 11...her birthday was Sunday so I decided I'd go and get her a gift. I'm not heartless bastard. Just an occasional bitch. Anyway we get her a cute little purple bucket, fill it with Candy and sign a card. We get back and decide to go to work on the cd, my production game was flawless by the way, anyway we work more she comes in and says can I hang out..sure why not.

Somehow we end up in the midst of the deepest sex conversation ever. NOT. It was only deep to her. What happen was he was in the booth working and he says look at the pics I took of myself in my phone. He's been working with a nutrionist and taking pics of himself to show progress....ok they were nude. Anyway, I've seen him nude before get over it. So he's like what do you think? I say I love it. You look amazing. He says, yeah look at my "v" I have a thing for the "v" area on a man. I find it amazingly sexy. That's when she goes crazy is he naked?? Lemme see. He says, no you can't. She gets incredibly upset and that's when the sex talk starts. She's blantanly throwing herself at him...he's not enthused. I'm impressed. We then get back to work--she heads to bed. Or so we thought. She actually went to where he was sleeping and laid down. So as we're working she actually falls asleep in the nude..waiting for him. (*Insert my Imma beat the hell outta this cum suckin slut now face) So he goes out and comes back in my room whispering I'm sleeping with you tonight. I say why? He says come look. Naked hoe right in his bed. WTF? I was extremely pissed.

We got to bed...wake up and she's in her room "embarrassed.." as she says lying slut. Anyway we get dressed and go to "The Champs" friends funeral. He asked me to go, I asked him to go to the funeral I went to on Monday, so it was only fair that I return the favor. We've been friends for roughly 10 years, I've only seen him cry once. I didn't expect him to cry at the funeral. He didn't. But when we got to the grave sight, he became overwhelmed. He reached down grabbed my hand and when I looked up--tears were flowing down. I was sad-but honored that he was able to let that side out with me. Another defining moment in our friendship. We left the funeral and went to Boston Market. Greatness--food was yummy.

Got home worked on some music, took a nap together and relaxed. Woke up to me in the bed, him on one side of me, her at the bottom of the bed..we get up, he says goodbye, gives me a hug, and kiss..and heads out. I clean up our apartment because I am anal about cleanliness. She gets up heads to her room. Lord Help me because I am going to kill this slut.

Damn this is long...

Sunday, April 1, 2007

"Daddy, where have you been?"

"we doin real good
we don't miss you now
see how life twists around, fucker?"
Jay Z-Where Have You Been?

I remember when I was in the 7th grade, I got really sick at school. I needed someoneone to check me out of school. So I called my mom, who told me to call my God Mother, which I did. When she picked me up she said--I didnt know what last name you were under. Although I figured this question to be amazingly peculiar I never said anything. My God Mother is wonderful, she is so happy go lucky, so easy going. So despite the fact that I never said anything she continued to talk away. I remember it clearly she said, "I didn't know if your last name was ******** or my current last name," was at that moment that my life changed. I went home, searched all of my mother's files in her filing cabinet and confirmed the truth.

My father was indeed not my father. The man I'd grown up with that I vagulely remember calling him by a family knickname for years before calling him "dad," wasn't my dad. He actually adopted me when I was two years old. But I remember being about 5 when I first called him dad...I guess I put all that in the back of my mind until the day I was checked out of school. It all came rushing back.

A couple of years ago--roughly about 4 I went to my mother's house to borrow a cd. When I got there my mom was placing all of my father's stuff in the back of her van. I didn't ask any questions because for a few years I've known that my father cheated on my mother. I really didn't have any proof but all of my cousins and I are close and some of my male cousins told me. Since our family is close I knew they had no reason to lie. Plus I've been there, I answered the calls. I knew the situation. So rather than say anything-my friend and I put down the cd's and went to my mothers room and started helping her pack. I remember that day too. My mom said, "Don't touch anything, I don't want him to think you're involved." I didn't listen I just helped my mother pack.

A few weeks later we (my sister and I) found out my father was married. He told us in the middle of the street that he remarried. He had another family. Another daughter, another wife, another everything... we later found out our "step mother," was a crack head.

Fast forward to the current day....

My stepfather moved back in with my mom a few weeks ago, they aren't back together but my mother let him come back because his marriage is over. Ironically..during his marriage my father never talked to me. He talked to my sister and brother who are both his biological children but he never said anything to me. Not one call in roughly 4 years. From the time he left until now we've gone through a lot. My sister went through a stage where she felt like my mom was wrong and ran my father off, my little brother became extremely clingy to my mom, and I felt like I had to be there for my mom. I couldn't move, I couldn't settle down with that dude, I coudn't move because my mom needed me. It was a huge amount of stress. And we (my mother, my brother, my sister and I) were divided completely. Now years later we have repaired our relationship, we are all close. We stand strong together and my father is an outsider.

I think he always wanted a son but him and my brother don't get along very much. I think it's because my brother is 8 and he left when my brother was roughly 3. Then he pops back up now and decides he is going to be daddy. I think they need to be friends first he needs to get to know my brother all over again. But he doesn't understand his military attitude is still firm.He doesn't know he loves basketball and wrestling, he loves french toast sticks and at "A," he makes them better than me. He doesn't know he (my brother) loves Thanksgiving but doesn't like dressing or stuffing. He doesn't know my broher.. After he left, we built a bond. A circle. My mom needed a car...I went to work I gave her 1500 for part of the down payment and my sister gave her the other 1500...she drives an amazing car, she was able to keep her house, she was able get her credit fixed. She was in a deep depressive hole, she didn't understand how she could go on. He was doing wonderful. Now he is basically a bum living with my mother. It's funny. We (the children) were always angry. My mom would always say we have to be nice. We have to be there with him because God will one day ask us what part did we play. She played a supportive friend and is still playing a supportive friend. He is being an asshole which is funny because he needs us now. He needs us..HE NEEDS US.

we doin real good
we don't miss you now
see how life twists around, fucker?