Still Standing

“Each and every element that exists in this universe is manifested from a thought first
Through the inner mind's eye of the unseen power in the sky
Gave birth to Mother Earth and all it's worth to you and I
This most loved invention, my conciousness is an extensionof Him,
yet I'm flesh and bone with a mind of my own
To dig deeper than the surface,
whether I learn from your upcomings or your downfalls
we all have individual purpose”
Cee-Lo of Goodie Mob “Still Standing”

What an amazing week, most of my friends have been saying, when we are off Monday the week seems so much longer. Ahhh, not to me young grasshoppers. This week has been great! No matter how my day goes, or the remainder of my week man I feel great. I don’t know what it is…wait yes I do. I’m Blessed man. That’s what keeps me feeling exquisite.

Nope, haven’t got a new place—however I looked at the place in Alpharetta yesterday (it’s not Dunwoody but eh---I like it.) The owner is supposed to make a decision today. Cross your fingers. If I get it you’re all invited to the pool for a little party. (SIKE!) I don’t know all of you suckas! (Just kidding I love you all like play cousins from around the corner.)

I also haven’t had any change in school except I am going to sit out the summer quarter stack and come back and bust a hole in this school situation. I guess I am *still standing*

*SIDE NOTE*

Why was DeepNThought In Columbus at the same time as me and I missed her??? *UGH*

Um...*Untitled*

“Now when we see each other it's so strange
I don't know whether to hug him or slug him (damn)
I don't know whether to cap him or dap him
I don't know what to think of him,
I don't know what's happenin”

-Jay Z “It aint personal”

I came to Columbus yesterday and when I got up this morning I thought, why am I here? LOL I guess I’ve never been a fan of this city. Even when I lived here. I called my “bestfriends” mother because it was here birthday, and she sounded so excited to hear me. We haven’t talked since I left for Atlanta. We all used to be close. I used to call her mom, my how things change. I used to call my “bestfriend” (notice the quotes and picture someone talking to you and doing the quotes symbol with their fingers-that’s how I feel about her.) anyway, I used to call her family. Now we barely talk. She slept with my ex, and she lied about so much, she took advantage of me, but still calls me bestfriend. Imagine what she would do to an enemy…Now when we see each other it’s so strange, I don’t know whether to hug her or slug her. I don’t know whether to cap her or dap her I don’t know what to think of her…..I don’t know what happenin…

There’s something in me that leads me to believe that everything happens for a reason. I think that’s partly why I cant stay upset about any one thing for more than a moment at a time. For example, financial aid-I was upset when I found out, then I got over it. In fact I am completely over it. Deciding if I go to school this summer cool, if not…then I will take the summer off save money and go the following quarter.

One of my friends went to War, there’s something that lead me to believe he was there for a reason, he died. And I still believe it was for a reason. And please spare me on the “good of war,” talk. Because there’s nothing in me that believes in nor decided to support or NOT support this war. My little sister is in the Army, she’s 22 and an Officer. I am incredibly proud of her. But also afraid at the same time. However, had she not joined the Army and achieved the things she’s achieved I’d never had learned as much as I have about the Army, so I guess everything happens for a reason.

My roommate and I had a long talk, I never mentioned I was moving, nor did I get upset with her. I think that everyone is put in your life at certain points to teach you certain things. I think she was placed in my life at this point..at this time to teach me one of two things. Either she was placed here to teach me the wonders of patience, or how to throw better. Either way I benefit! :-)

On a lighter sideI have 5 possible places to move. I’m excited. Three are in Dunwoody where I currently reside, and one in Smyrna and one is Alpharetta. I decided I would go look at all of them next week, I think I would be cool living in them all. Guess we’ll see what happens. As my friend “D” would say “No Worries.”

Lately, I've been too lazy to post. I actually haven't had much to say. I think I am filled with the same issues everyday so I pretty have just been holding them in and trying to move forward.
I had a good weekend. I went to a graduation party which was great, those people know how to party. I had a great time. It was also cool, because the dj was someone I taught to dj-so to see him at work really made me smile. I knew he would be there because I referred him for the job, but I wanted to see him in action and I was really proud of his performance.
Other than taking some relatives to the airport I really didnt do much else this weekend. I decided I need to move-and I started really looking. Last week I was looking--but during the weekend I REALLY started looking. I think it's best. Sure I will be adding a whole section of bills when technically I dont have any. But if I want to go to school, then that's the consequence I have to suffer.
Plus I just dont think my roommate and I will work out much longer. Last night she had people come over at 3:00 in the morning. Granted she doesnt have class until 3 and she doesnt work so-that's fine for her. But I had class at 8--then I had to come to work all day and no matter how much I ask her to please keep the noise down or take her friends into her room at least, it doesnt work. So I think the best thing for me to do is find another place to live.
So if you live in Atlanta-or surrounding areas and know of some nice places feel free to pass the word!
Be Blessed everyone.
And thank you to every single person who took the time to wish me encouraging words last week. Even you:

------------Forwarded Message------------------------
From: Darrin Thomas
Date: May 15, 2007 6:08 PM
Subject:
Your BlogTo: Cdotwill@tmail.com

Hey, I read your blog a lot and basically I just wanted to tell you to get over the whole school thing. People pay you live you learn drop out or move on. And are you really a rapper? I saw you posted that song before was that you?Darri

*KICK ROCKS DARRIN*

Silence Is Golden

Verse: I decided to take a stand
Not knowing I'll lose my best friend
But I'd rather;
I'd rather live right
Than in hell lift up my eyes
Stand for Holiness
Stand for Righteousness
And be counted among them That shall reign with Him
You stand
When friends are gone
Stand when you're all alone
And believe He shall receive His own
Verse: I decided to take a stand
Not believing I'd lose Some of my friends
I would rather;
I'd rather live right Than in hell lift up my eyes.

-Stand John P Kee

Unfortunately right now...I have absolutely nothing else to say. So I end this post with one statement:

You will never break me. I'm standing. Kick Rocks!

Lessons I learned

Today I learned...

Because my cousins screwed my grandparents they choose not to help the good children, plus they may need money or loans to bail those kids out of jail. (NO TRUE STORY IT'S WHAT THE HELL THEY TOLD ME) So I have no co-signer so no student loans because I also have NO credit.

I learned that if you want to do well in life, know that no one will help you but if you choose to do wrong or have a million kids you have every opportunity in the world.

Last but not least I learned..financial aid is fuckin me slowly from behind and if I want to continue my education I should probably look into the lottery.

But on a lighter note...I am still an honors student.
But who the hell knows for how long?
Kick Rocks.

Peace to you my friend, K'naan

This is the impact I want to have. Simply amazing. I had to share. I really believe in supporting others. Maybe thats why I am so blessed. I have a important post coming soon--but for now please take a minute even if you don't like hip hop--if you like things of substance you will love this

So Thankful...Kinda.

"I'm the exception to every rule.."
C.I random conversation w/a guy from the Duck HQ

Yep..I quoted myself today. And what? Lol
Apparently people don't like when I don't post. I find that refreshing that someone would want to read my ramble. Imagine the irony of all of that..

Thank you for reading, commenting, and listening to my mumbo jumbo. (lol I said mumbo jumbo...I'm so throwbackish in my lingo huh?-So!)

Anyway, I've been in such a thankful mood, the funny thing is-I've been surrounded by negativity. So let's talk to the negative for a moment. And give thanks for them.
Thank you to my professor.

Professor Strahtezensky who is teaching me Applied Calculus 101 for the Masters and the fact that he told me I am probably going to fail the class. Thank you so much! Had you not told me I am probably going to fail your class I would not have learned the blessing of, "dropping a class!" I was trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to get rid of you. Thank you I love you for calling me a smart ass, and for asking me how I managed to get a B on my last test without being awake. Without you I am nothing.... *laughs, then rolls eyes*

Ed. Note
I'd also like to thank the stupid advisor who told me I had to take Applied Cal when I can really take an easier class---"Ideas of Mathematics" I appreciate you and you inability to do your job. Without you I might actually be headed down the right path. I love you so much!

Thank you to financial aid.
If it was not for you, I would not know the true of experience of working full time and being a college student. After all, it is your job to *NOT* financially aid/assist me. (It's just your name is so misleading) Thank you! If it wasn't for you, I'd be worry and carefree and who needs that.

Thank you Dunwoody Place Luxury homes for being so expensive. But I can't completely give you all of the thanks and just due because as I look on the internet I see that you only typically charge $1120 for the place I currently reside in--so I have to give thanks to my school as well for adding the additional 1075 a month. Thank you. If it wasn't for you I would not know the pleasure of house hunting right now. Thank you!

Thank you Chik-fil-a for being right by my house and having those milkshakes that I know for a fact you put crack in because I find myself shaking, itching, and twitching on the floor when I don't have one. Kick rocks you basturds.

Thank you for 4:30-7:00 traffic in Atlanta. But not just for the traffic for the fact that I leave work in Marietta and drive all the way to my exit...#27 (which coincides with the GA 400 exit) in roughly 7-9 minutes but sit in front my exit for 1hr just to get home again kick rocks! Also I'd like to thank you for giving me the bright idea to get off on Roswell rd, sure the traffic sucks but hey...I knock off a good 10-15 minutes of sitting when I do. And I run into the most addictive chicken on the planet *BOSTON MARKET* wait am I really mad about that one?? *scratches head*

Thank you T.R.
This one is most special because you have truly shown me what my pa-pa (yeah I am 20+ and I still call my grandfather pa-pa get over it) anyway you've shown me what my pa-pa means when he says, "She is a working girl!" Work on girlie work on! I'd also like to thank you for having sex in the living room and leaving condoms AND your underwear on the chase lounge. Without you-I'd possibly know what it was like to sit outside of my room but because of you I itch in any other part of the house. Appreciate you.

Finally I would like to thank the lovely waitress at Chin Chin #..okay I don't remember the number but the one right by Publix off of Peachtree..I'd like to thank you for dropping my Fried California Roll two days ago..making another one...giving it to the wrong person...making me late for work and hungry...plus carrying around Sushi..only to get to work to realize that you my lady gave me a Tuna Roll and Crab something or another which isn't what I ordered. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have been late to work or hungry. But on a sidenote the homeless guy on exit 20 in Marietta isn't hungry and that truly is because of you. GIVING ME THE WRONG DAMN MEAL! You know what you can do right?? KICK ROCKS!

I LOVE YOU!!! *Drops mic*
C.I

(I don't remember who abbreviated my name like that..but um..I loves it.)

*DRUM ROLL* THE DUCK!!!

Today's post is bought to you buy he who pays me looking mad hot on my desk in my office.

(Yep the kid got my own office now!)

And the letter "B"

As in dont BE acting BRAND new because I didn't post.

LOL. I kill me!

Sorry I've been getting a lot of emails from people who really appreciated my last post, nice. I appreciate you too. I will be back with a real post after these messages.

C.I

An Open Letter from a Blessed Sinner

"They ask me, do I believe in God
So I ask them, did I defeat the odds?"
J-Kwon "They Ask"

Dear God,

You know I want to be a better person, it's normally during the middle/end of the week that I realize how Blessed I am. It's been a long week, but not an impossible one, I'm so Blessed to be able to stand tall, fall, and get back up. The Blessing you've shown me is not in the standing nor is it in the falling, but it's the ability to get back up. For that I thank you Lord.

I thank you for lessons Lord, because I am so young and I have so much to learn. So I thank you for test, trials, and tribulations because I've learned that testimonies, come from true tests.
I thank you Lord for the gift of silence, I have said very few words during this week. Not because I am upset or irritable but because silence is such a beautiful gift and I cherish the gift.

I've learned that sometimes hell is around you, and you still have to have Heaven. Thank you God for giving me an inner peace. Thank you for allowing my mother, grandmother, and women of my church to teach me that inner peace. Where to find it, how to hold onto it, and how to walk with my head held high in that full armour of peace.

I've learned "friends still claim they want to see me with Sunshine and Rainbows," but they will call all the way to Japan to try to shit on my rainbow and piss on my sun. I've learned those same friends can KICK rocks dirty basturds! Thank you for that lesson Lord.

Lord you know my heart, so I find it so easy to sit down and type an open letter to you. Profanity and all, because I know that you know everyday, every moment, is a struggle...still I am pushing forward because each step is one that will bring me closer to the person I need to be. Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one understands....

Lord thank you for the weight. There are some who can't carry so I'm Blessed to feel the weight. I thank you for tears Lord, because maybe I need to cry every once in a while just so I can see clearly again.
Lord, I thank you...
C.