Monday, April 30, 2007

All good things must come to an end.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"
-Eminem Toy Soldier

I feel so completely scatter brained. It's taken me far too long just to sit here and write my thoughts out. The weekend was completely not like I expected. I didn't get to have lunch with Jus B. Fli but I will! Especially knowing now, what I know based on emails, such a small world!

Anyway, I think Consistently Inconsistent has to be the best name ever for me. I am indeed consistently inconsistent. Scattered brained and all that stuff. I spent time with that dude on late Saturday early Sunday. I don't know how I feel about it. He works for the top electronics company in the world. He brokered a huge deal in New York and in a matter of minutes I went from extremely happy to devastatingly sad.

He presented the deal and now he has to close the Kyoto, Japan. He could be gone up to 4 months. I was devastated. Okay, we're not commited which is completely my fault, but for the last few weeks things have been really good, we have been together a lot mainly because of an issue that happened that bought us closer. (See April 10th or April 13th's random facts-it hints at what happen.) Anyway, now he's leaving. He asked me if I wanted him to stay. Of course I do. 4 months is a long time. But I didn't say it. I would never ask him to choose me over his job that he loves so much. The only comparison I have to that is music and he would never put me in that predicament. So I chose not to put him in that predicament. But when he went to shower, I cried. When I drove from his house I cried. Today I cried. I don't cry. Something in me just doesn't allow me to cry, I think it's because I carry so many different weights on my shoulders. My mother who's been through a divorce, my sister who's afraid to go to war but willing to die for this country, my brother, myself, everything is just sometimes too much.

"I’m suppose to be the soldier who never blows composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I ain’t never suppose to show it, my crew ain’t suppose to know it"

When I got home my T.R was in the kitchen, and every dish in the house was dirty. Again. I didn't have the strength to clean up, or listen to her bull*ish. Not today, not after sitting down listening to that dude tell me he's leaving for 4 months. So I'm walking to my room and she says, "I hope you don't mind," anytime she says I hope you don't mind the next words out her mouth always irritate the hell outta me. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed some *items* (sidenote she listed all items but I don't care to disclose that.) from your room. I will replace them. I had company."

This is normally where I would insert some dumb face because that's what I do to her. Instead---slide to the left because I threw her cell phone, the house phone, and a glass at her dumb ass. That's right her cell phone, I was mad not dumb. This sidekick was a gift from Champ and cost him $375.00 who the hell is going to throw a $375.00 phone!? Normally I'm so calm but going in my room was asking for it. She left. This morning when I woke up, the house was clean, and there was a card on the table for me.

Just in case you thought I was bullsh*ttin. I went to class and then to work. Fuck a card man. I guess sometimes u gotta be crazy to get some peace.


Daz said...

One it's about time your ass updated!

Two I knew that shit was bound to happen. Your rooommate is nuts.

Three hang in there absence makes the heart grow fonder.

jus butterfli said...

awwwww... poor newest baby sister! :(

i'm sorry sweetie. but daz is right. absence does make the heart grow fonder and it also helps you stay focused on the things you REALLY love and appreciate about the other person. so, look at this as a growing experience. if you can make it thru this... the sky's the limit!

i'm so sorry we didn't get to do lunch!! (boooo!!) next time, DEFINITELY!!

have a good week! head up! and holla if you need me!

peace, love and hugs!

T.C. said...

you right sometiems you do have to be crazy to get some peace...
in terms of that dude...its ok to cry, its ok to want him to stay, its really ok to hae those feelings...4 months is a long time, but when you are friends and homies, you can make it work, its called e-mail, phone, letters, cards...
who knows this may take your relationship to an entirely different level a total soul to soul, heart to heart connection...

its really goin to be ok, as long as both of you want to keep the lines of communication open, it will really be ok, and who knows you might get to visit Japan..

anything is possible if you just believe...even after all i have been through i totally believe in love and the power of love!

never give up...and sometimes soliders need to cry, we need to let it all out...that only means you are human...and its ok to be human...

stay positive, stay strong and if you need me...i am here!

deepnthought said...

Everything they just said. Imagine it coming out with a strong southern accent and thats me saying the same thing. lol. I know about the tear thing. I am the same way. I am just now getting a grip with the whole tear thing.

Why you snap with out me. I told you to yell up the street and I will come zooming in and help you with TR. LOL.

Stay strong and keep your head up.

Consistently Inconsistent... said...

Sorry for the late update. Who knew I had loyal readers in my crazy world? LOL Thank you for reading. I was bound to flip on my rooommate, and absence does make the heart grow fonder. I am growing everyday.

@Jus B.Fli
Thanks very much, everything will be everything. I keep telling myself it's ONLY 4 mos and could be less.

BY THE WAY-we are so going to eat Cheddars! I love Cheddars!!!!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I often need to hear, "it's okay to cry," I find it so hard to cry.

I just snapped. Next time it's you and me all the way in street scrappin' with the T.R. until she gets some sense in her head.

Thank you all!

Tańtruм said...

Oh boy do I know tears, I have cried so much this past week or so that I my cheeks are chapped. Ask me what I cried for? Everything and Nothing.

...But it's all about to change.

Consistently Inconsistent... said...


Thank you. I feel like I have cried about everything and nothing. Probably because I don't cry.

Thank you for reassurance.

Mr.Slish said...

You gone kill that Find a new roommate

Honey-Libra said...

Dang...sometimes you pop and it's needed occassionally.

Hopefully you all will continue to talk and when he comes back things will take a turn into something with more of a definition...

Consistently Inconsistent... said...

@ Mr. Slish lol! Would you believe she asked me if I was okay, and asked me not to leave?! She nuts.

@honey Sometimes you do have to pop. I prefer not to..but it happens.

Paula D. said...

Good lawd it's time for you to have your own spot! Don't come up in here writing a post on an attempted murder charge on her ass!!!!! *smile*