"Daddy, where have you been?"

"we doin real good
we don't miss you now
see how life twists around, fucker?"
Jay Z-Where Have You Been?

I remember when I was in the 7th grade, I got really sick at school. I needed someoneone to check me out of school. So I called my mom, who told me to call my God Mother, which I did. When she picked me up she said--I didnt know what last name you were under. Although I figured this question to be amazingly peculiar I never said anything. My God Mother is wonderful, she is so happy go lucky, so easy going. So despite the fact that I never said anything she continued to talk away. I remember it clearly she said, "I didn't know if your last name was ******** or my current last name,"..it was at that moment that my life changed. I went home, searched all of my mother's files in her filing cabinet and confirmed the truth.

My father was indeed not my father. The man I'd grown up with that I vagulely remember calling him by a family knickname for years before calling him "dad," wasn't my dad. He actually adopted me when I was two years old. But I remember being about 5 when I first called him dad...I guess I put all that in the back of my mind until the day I was checked out of school. It all came rushing back.

A couple of years ago--roughly about 4 I went to my mother's house to borrow a cd. When I got there my mom was placing all of my father's stuff in the back of her van. I didn't ask any questions because for a few years I've known that my father cheated on my mother. I really didn't have any proof but all of my cousins and I are close and some of my male cousins told me. Since our family is close I knew they had no reason to lie. Plus I've been there, I answered the calls. I knew the situation. So rather than say anything-my friend and I put down the cd's and went to my mothers room and started helping her pack. I remember that day too. My mom said, "Don't touch anything, I don't want him to think you're involved." I didn't listen I just helped my mother pack.

A few weeks later we (my sister and I) found out my father was married. He told us in the middle of the street that he remarried. He had another family. Another daughter, another wife, another everything... we later found out our "step mother," was a crack head.

Fast forward to the current day....

My stepfather moved back in with my mom a few weeks ago, they aren't back together but my mother let him come back because his marriage is over. Ironically..during his marriage my father never talked to me. He talked to my sister and brother who are both his biological children but he never said anything to me. Not one call in roughly 4 years. From the time he left until now we've gone through a lot. My sister went through a stage where she felt like my mom was wrong and ran my father off, my little brother became extremely clingy to my mom, and I felt like I had to be there for my mom. I couldn't move, I couldn't settle down with that dude, I coudn't move because my mom needed me. It was a huge amount of stress. And we (my mother, my brother, my sister and I) were divided completely. Now years later we have repaired our relationship, we are all close. We stand strong together and my father is an outsider.

I think he always wanted a son but him and my brother don't get along very much. I think it's because my brother is 8 and he left when my brother was roughly 3. Then he pops back up now and decides he is going to be daddy. I think they need to be friends first he needs to get to know my brother all over again. But he doesn't understand his military attitude is still firm.He doesn't know he loves basketball and wrestling, he loves french toast sticks and at "A," he makes them better than me. He doesn't know he (my brother) loves Thanksgiving but doesn't like dressing or stuffing. He doesn't know my broher.. After he left, we built a bond. A circle. My mom needed a car...I went to work I gave her 1500 for part of the down payment and my sister gave her the other 1500...she drives an amazing car, she was able to keep her house, she was able get her credit fixed. She was in a deep depressive hole, she didn't understand how she could go on. He was doing wonderful. Now he is basically a bum living with my mother. It's funny. We (the children) were always angry. My mom would always say we have to be nice. We have to be there with him because God will one day ask us what part did we play. She played a supportive friend and is still playing a supportive friend. He is being an asshole which is funny because he needs us now. He needs us..HE NEEDS US.

we doin real good
we don't miss you now
see how life twists around, fucker?